Filling the gap

As always, I feel I’ve been remiss in confiding in my blog.

It’s that inner bolstering, catalystic, unquiet, and often times annoying constant soft kick in your soul’s ass. Reminding you just how lazy you are for starting something that you are not fully committed to.

You may have a different experience <reader>, but that’s mine…I’ve become good friends with this bodyless foot!

Now that I’ve cleared the path, I can continue on…

I guess you could say that I think way too much. Or that I am way too intense with myself. But honestly, 85% of it is just existential epic monologues that just lead to more introspection. In other words…absolute useless crap! Or maybe not…

Earlier today I was thinking about how I feel, having been single for about 1 and 1/2 years.

Immediate words that come to mind are…relieved, self-enlightening experience, meeting a lot of interesting and not so interesting people (men!), less pressure from incessant questions such as “Why am I with him?” “I’m such a loser for staying with him after all that’s happened” “I can’t possibly be this weak and insecure to want to stay with somebody, just to avoid being alone…” <you follow me here right?>…

…overall…my free associations are very positive…

…until I realize a few things…and then the questioning changes…such as…

…I don’t want to get too comfortable being alone…yikes! And people who know me…know that I can. Yikes again! I really want to have a partner in crime. Someone really fuckin awesome who will pace by me, kick me in the ass and tell me to shut up when needed, lend me their ears for all my doubts, fuck me really hard I can barely walk the next day, make love to me that will leave me with butterflies in the stomach every time I think about it, encourage me to try harder and give me his support, have children with me, be a wonderful partner in crime and an awesome father to our children…

…then I think…

…I’m pretty sure that to find and/or bump into somebody like that I need to put some effort…at least make myself available and approachable. I’m not…it’s not intentional…it’s a personality trait. I can be very oblivious…too laid back…shy…introverted…not as aggressive as my “peers” (term used very loosely here), and sometimes cynical and lazy. Ok! I am screwed!

I follow up by thinking that in these 18 or so months, I’ve been on a few dates with a few men. But apparently, my “peers” (there is the loose term again), who are single, have dated significantly more men in these same 18 months than me (P > 0.05 significance!). It usually doesn’t spiral down from this thought, but depending on how crazy my hormones are pumping through my body, oh my! It goes something like this…

There must be something wrong with me? Do I scare guys? No…! I can’t possibly scare men…I’m so awesome! Pretty, intelligent, hot, goofy, relaxed…! Shit…maybe men are looking for the “quintessencial” woman with all their transient, annoyingly made up traits. I don’t know how to play the game. I don’t want to play the game! Does that mean I’m going to end up alone? I don’t want to…! Alright, I’m going to dress to impress, get all made up, say girlie things, I will not drink my hoppy IPAs, or Imperial Stouts…and then when I “get” the guy…I will act aloof, and carefully time my phone calls, etc…’cause we all know how all of this works…

Fuck all of this! I can’t do that! I am not that! Tough shit! I’m pretty sure somebody will laugh with me and enjoy my presence…if I exist…there must be somebody(s) who will resonate with my goofiness…sexy goofiness that is.

Even I fall prey to some self-doubts sometimes. The self-loathing that happens which is strictly related to not being in a (romantic) relationship right now. It’s just relative to that one transient reality. For instance, I will sometimes question my worth and qualities. “Am I pretty enough?” “Am I interesting?” “Is everybody else just better than me?” “I don’t want to be alone…” “Why didn’t that guy want to be with me?” “Did I do anything wrong” <this usually derails in me going over the same date minute-by-minute, deconstructing every single moment that can help me explain just what happened>…

I only allow these questions to monopolize my thoughts for a few minutes. I quickly realize just how happy I am with myself. I’m fun and funny! Hummm…I realize that I want to be with somebody for reasons that have nothing to do with me not enjoying being with myself only…in other words…fear of being alone. When it happens, I want to be with somebody who will add…not just fill an empty space. And unfortunately there’s plenty of filling the gaps around.

Even in the midst of all this self-confidence, self-assertion, objectivity, self-love, and some level of cockiness…I KNOW that having that cool/handsome (relative to my weird taste)/hot/intelligent/funny/stable/laid back/ass-kicking/honest/creative guy check in with me to see how I’m doing, holding my hand as we walk, fuck me out once in a while 🙂 , fix my that part of my car that has been making a strange noise for the longest time, who will kiss me on the forehead because he just knows, who will challenge my stubborn ways intelligently, who will “build” things together, etc, etc etc…

yes…having that guy…will make me feel more whole…more beautiful, more desired, more intelligent, more alive. There I said it! Why is that?

I reluctantly shared this because I truly do enjoy myself by myself. But it’s so much better when you’re lucky enough to find that still currently elusive guy.

This entry will serve as my unofficial list of what I want in a man. I will not settle for FILLING IN THE GAP. But please keep reminding me that I do want to find/bump into this guy.

Deflating…

I want to cry, but I can’t for some reason. I feel exposed to a crowded audience that looks and sounds familiar. They’re all inverted images of what seems to be the same face.

Every upside down, round, skinny, upright, hourglass shaped face is staring right back at me. Some are frowning, some are sad, others are simply confused, angry, perplexed, unmotivated, some are just staring into space with a “lost” look, and very few are smiling from where I’m standing now.

There have been few instances in my life in which I had such a disconsolate audience. I usually don’t get to perform in front of such a resigned bunch.

I’ll have to keep taking my long breaths for now, until these faces start to become neutral and eventually brighter.

Or maybe I should figure out how to loosen up this knot on my throat…Yes, that’s what I’m going to do.

<a very disappointed sassi the spider>

Finding a new fixation! Reviving a project that never was…

Last year, I started talking to some of my friends who are cartoonists in an attempt to bring to life my alter ego in the form of a kick ass heroine.

I had a few conversations with two potential artists. .But life got too busy with work, preparing for PhD applications, and a whole bunch of other crap, so I just couldn’t quite materialize my fantasy self.

I never forgot about it though. It’s been poking my thoughts every once in a while. Since I really need to find my next big “side” project, I will give this another try.

I know I can’t draw. I know I have lots of creative ideas for bringing her to life.

I will start capturing every thought that crosses my mind about this legendary heroine and her superhuman powers. Was she conceived from a moral and immortal? Did she go through a metamorphosis of some type as an adult? What does she care about? Whose ass does she want to kick?

I will keep a record of these on my blog for my own reference. I’m not sure what it will look like.

In the meantime, I will try to find a good soul who will be kind enough to draw away my ideas. That is…with a very small budget, if any at all.

You may wonder if I have too much free time in my hands. The answer is…not really, but I need to keep my neurons occupied during the little time that I have. Plus, I am so curious to meet her.

First challenge —> Her name!

Below is the very first drawing that a friend of mine quickly sketched. It looks very different from what I had imagined, but I still thought it was fair to place this here. It was the very first attempt.

Some notes: I want her to resemble me, but not obviously. One of my signature hairdos is a French braid, which I can do in a matter of seconds and never fails to amaze my friends. I have very long and thick hair. I have very long legs and arms. “She” will need to have features of a serpent and spider (Yikes! Go figure…) She will not use any conventional weapons (guns, knives, etc). She will use her natural features (hint: serpent/spider) to do her damage. I want her eyes to be very powerful and hypnotizing.

On the drawing you will notice red tips on her boots, around her knees. This was one of her weapons. The red tip would be poisonous, which she could use to anihilate enemies.

She would have a photographic negative of a serpent-like shape, somewhere on her outfit, close to her chest.

Her hair/braid would work like a whip and spider(ish) web, for her to tame and catch her prey. The very tip of the braid would resemble the tail of a rattlesnake.

 

Deconstructing

I have decided to stop all the daydreaming with my “angel”. You know…I can do that. Not sure if it’s a good or a bad thing to be able control certain mental faculties this way.

I’m worried that it’s become more than daydreaming…hahahaha…hummmm borderline fixation or something strange like that.

Since it ceased being beneficial to me, I will no longer spend hours every day musing away.

“Angel”, I will stop having long imagined dialogues with you, your friends, your family…I will stop making love to you every night…I will stop having orgasms with you…I will stop climbing and bouldering the hardest problems in the most beautiful places with you. You will even have to stop proposing to me when we reach the summit of that seemingly impossible climb. I will stop singing and playing some mean guitar for you, in sold out gigs, in which everybody knows that you’re my inspiration.

What will I do to fill my hours now? I mean, the pleasant, benevolent, serene, passionate, and happiness generating, wild daydreaming.

I’ll just have to pick from my infinitely long list of interesting topics, people, situations…

“Angel”, you’ve helped me so much for the past 14 or so months. You brought me so much creativity, light to unvisited places, clarity, kindness, gentleness, intelligence, annoyance, irritation, perplexity, even blows to my ego…but what a mind experiment you’ve been. Thank you!

How do I do it?

Well! The same way that I deliberately embarked on this experience.

It takes some effort as I’m just so used to allow you in my thoughts, on a daily basis, for the past several months. But it’s been done before.

It’s too bad. I was having so much fun.

Au revoir! Merci!