Monthly Archives: August 2014

The air is getting less and less rarified (the omnipresent old post)

<I wrote this post for the first time on July 6, 2012. Then I reposted on December 4th, 2012…and now. For some reason I keep coming back to it.>

I’m trying to reach as deep into my diaphragm as I possibly can with each breath I take.

It’s been like this for the past few days. This is self-strangulation from within.

My failed attempts are at reaching that sensation of being calm…of being at peace within oneself.

My thoughts simply don’t want to be silenced. They’re all reminding me that I must now address them, or else…

In its current form, it’s at best, an amalgamation of years of irrational fears, doubts, successes, happiness, warm childhood memories, painful adult realizations, utter inner sadness and emptiness. I’ve been able to lazily peel some of them apart over the years. But they’re very impatient with this phased approach. They’ve been lit to an explosive implosion and I am left with a sense of urgency and self-reformation.

It’s usually easier to anesthetize ourselves by persistently dismissing our thoughts. Everybody is guilty of this crime, and honestly, sometimes it’s the only tool we can use to keep from falling into insanity.

But who wants to live such a dead life?

I have embarked on a journey that has taken me around the universe a few times. Close self-examination is as ghastly as it is awesome. It is very much like the simultaneous loss and gain of innocence and wisdom that results from childhood to adolescence to adulthood to elderhood to death.

I’ve been neglecting some of my most vulnerable thoughts for so long, that it almost feels as if they were revolting against me as I write this.

THE TIME HAS COME! I must pay attention. Process, recycle, trash, and learn. I will only then be able to move forward. It feels incredibly agonizing and enlightening, but I must continue pushing with each contraction as I bring these elder babies to life.

The feeling is overwhelmingly constructive as it feels like I might be finally steering in the right direction. The luffing that existed is now replaced by sails filled with air. Who knows where the winds will take me.

I just have to figure out a way to make this a less rarefied atmosphere.


Oblivious Love

(written on: July 17th, 2014)

<I Fink You’re Freaky playing in the background. Meanwhile, I try to catch up with work after 17 days spent on the breathtaking Balearic Island of Mallorca. Silent thoughts to myself.>

Ugh! I can’t focus today!

It must be the jet lag.

Let me check to see which band is playing in town this weekend.

Oh MYYYYYYYYYYYY! I can’t believe it! Die Antwoord is playing this Saturday.

I hope it’s not sold out yet.

Let me text “Sweet guy” and “Golden curls” to see if one of them wants to join me.

<text> Sassi: Hey! Die Antwoord is in town this Saturday!!! Let’s gooooooooooooooooo! I’m going to buy two tickets!

“Golden Curls”: “Yes, I know. I think tickets are not really cheap, but I’m in!”

“Sweet Guy”: Of course I know. I’ve seen them every time they’ve been in town. Unfortunately, I’ll be out of town this weekend for a wedding. Are you looking for tickets? My friend has extra tickets. I so wish I could join you! So jealous!

<Back to enthusiastically thinking to myself.>

Awesome!

I just can’t focus today. How can I accomplish work? Good thing I worked a bit while I was in Spain.

Cigarette time!

I’d better start taking Chantix soon. I must quit…again!

Oh! I’ll just wait for after this weekend. Enjoy myself, and then start the nauseating pills.

<Cookie Thumper blasting in the background.>

I should try to get some work done!

<I get up, go to my bedroom, and start dancing in front of the mirror.>

If “Golden Curls” only knew that I spent two weeks in Mallorca he will not be very happy about it. Especially after Nova Scotia. Yikes. But I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Besides, I’ve been as transparent as I can with him about how I feel for him. I love him, yes, but as a friend. And for that’s big.

Focus “Sassi”! Work!

I should just give in today. I just can’t focus. And I’m working this Saturday so it’s not that bad.

Why do I feel so spread thin today?

<Throughout this monologue flashes of “Lashes” comes to me and I quickly block them.>

Ugh! I have to stop thinking about this! I’m back home! It’s over!

Whatever!

It’s so good to be back home. Close to friends who know me, and like me, and treat me well.

<Sensations of “Lashes” take over my body.>

Stupid guy! Get out of my head! Ahahahahahahahha Damn it!

<I turned up the music, and danced more in my attempt to shun those unpleasant sensations.>

I’m excited! I’m going to dance like there’s no tomorrow at the show.

I wonder if he is going to go to the Massive Attack show in Barcelona. Oh STOP thinking about this!

<Saturday arrives. I worked in the morning. Then I met my sister and niece at the beach. And then, I headed to “Golden Curls” house to pick him up. He seemed defensively indifferent. But I wasn’t surprised. I had seen that before. Ever since he declared his love for me, or maybe infatuation(?), a few months ago, and I told him I loved him as a friend, I learned that his momentary indifference was his defense mechanism. Oh well…at least this time he wasn’t being mean like other times>

Initially, it was mostly me doing the talk. It was uncomfortable for a split second. But I knew it was going to get better. He told me about all these girls he was either seeing or interested in. I was happy for him. He seemed annoyed at me because of my enthusiasm for his “love” adventures.

We grabbed a beer and some food before going to the show. After the first beer, he started to loosen up and be himself. That is, pleasant, friendly, and relaxed. I thoroughly enjoyed that.

We arrived at the show venue and anxiously awaited for the awesomely creepy artists to go on stage. We really wanted to dance.

We probably had another two beers before the show started. By then, we were hugging, friendly flirting, mutually admiring each other, and just cracking jokes.

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We danced the whole night. Drank more and smoked many cigarettes.

The show ended. We were in an incredibly good mood. We were still pumped. We wanted to dance more so we headed to Zuzu!

We danced really close the whole night. Like…glued together. Face stuck to face as we tried to Salsa to the Beatles and the likes. Interesting to say the least.

Yeah…we were drunk! Really drunk! But still very coordinated and somewhat able to keep a conversation.

In the meantime, I’m still getting lightning visits from “Flashes” in my thoughts. Ugh!

I kept thinking “See? This is it! I’m used to nice people. People who treat me well. Like “Golden Curls”, and all the other friends I have managed to see since I returned from Mallorca. It’s so good to be home.”

“Golden Curls” and I go outside to smoke a cigarette and managed to get into a deep conversation about love, relationships, projections, and his “adoration” for me.

I opened up and said many things I don’t usually tell people about the inner workings of my emotions in romantic relationships.

I told him once again that I loved him. As a friend. But I understood that it was not what he wanted to hear.

I questioned his “adoration” for me. He eloquently described his “love” for me. He was so sweet and so on point. Clearly, he had been spending a lot of time thinking about it. Feeling about it.

He said something about “You’re the whole package! You’re intelligent. You dance. You’re friendly. You’re not fussy. You’re fun. Strong. Beautiful. Hot. And you dance! We have interesting conversations. You’re genuinely interested in what I do. And you’re not even fully aware of just how awesome you are. Or maybe you just don’t make a big deal out of it. And I think it makes you even more awesome. I know you have your issues like you just told me, but they’re so workable. Let me be the man to support you in that…You are the only woman I’m willing to ‘expose’ myself to this point. I just know. I feel very comfortable even though I know you don’t feel the same way. I’ll just keep trying until I’m able to crack in there. Hey, I might get lucky. You are just worth it and I’m not afraid.”

<He said many more truly beautiful things, but I probably don’t remember everything because we were both too drunk.>

As he was saying all those things, I felt truly flattered. I had images of “Lashes” come to me, but focused on “Golden Curls” words like they were a source of positive energy.

I was also thinking how life is full of “desencontros” (mis-encounters?). There I was, in front of a perfectly awesome guy who was sincerely opening his soul to me. But I couldn’t reciprocate the love in the way he desired.

It also dawned on me that he had no clue about the 17 very intense days I had just spent with “Lashes” in Mallorca. A person who I initially thought could be that “blurred face defined in the flesh”, but who continued to push me away. Deliberately. And I, too, pushed him away. <sigh>

Can you imagine the intensity of emotions I was feeling at that very moment of intoxication? I was overwhelmed.

It was absolutely flattering to have somebody like “Golden Curls” tell me the things he did. But Alas! I can’t do much with it…

Densencontros! That is all I can say.

I’ve used this word before, and there really is no good English word to describe it.