Monthly Archives: June 2014

Hablando y aprendiendo Español para callar el silencio

<Driving for several hours through very twisty and narrow mountain roads, followed by hiking for several hours over sharp cliff rocks, sometimes followed by climbing, and then…more driving back home. Sometimes, on our ride back, instead of the usual deafening silence, we’d play the Spanish app. That is, he’d say words in Spanish or English, and I had to say the corresponding word in English or Spanish.>

Lashes: El Conquistador

Sassi: The Conqueror

Lashes: Spell it

Sassi: C – O – N – Q – U – E – R – O – R

Lashes: <somewhat impressed>  Humm…good, that’s right

Calamares a la plancha

Sassi: Grilled calamari

Lashes: Tinto de verano

Sassi: Summer wine? ahahahhaha

Lashes: <impenetrable by my giggling, and very serious> A drink made with red wine and coke

Sassi: What? It’s a Sin to mix red wine with coke. I have never heard of that.

Lashes: El vino tinto

Sassi: Red wine

Lashes: female or male

Sassi: male

Lashes: La conquistadora

Sassi: The conqueress? Is that the right word?

Lashes: Yes, that’s right. “Sassi” la conquistadora. The heartbreaker.

Sassi: What?

<Silence>

Lahes: Computer

Sassi: El ordenador – Male

Lashes: Escritorio

Sassi: <quickly correcting “Lashes” lack of gender assignment to the word> El! Escritorio. Office!

Lashes: Nope! Desk

El Conquistador

Sassi: The conqueror – male

Lashes: Red wine mixed with coke

Sassi: El tinto de verano

Lashes: Uh

Sassi: Uh what?

Lashes: That’s the word

Sassi: Uh…..Uh? What the heck? ahahahhahaha Are you joking?

Lahes: Computer

Sassi: Ordernador

Lashes: El or La

Sassi: El ordenador

Lashes: El matrimonio

Sassi: marriage

Lashes: Air

Sassi: Ar!

Lahses: Aire

Sassi: Oh, so close to Portuguese!

And this went on for 1, 2 hours, as I drove back to our apartment.

This was probably the only few times I felt a connection with this person?

Sometimes. I would come up with words in Spanish that were a poor attempt at converting its close relative, and my Native language, Portuguese, into the word I had just heard in English. This was coupled with exaggerating the “R”, “L”, pronouncing the “C” as if I had a lisp…etc. Result? A complete mess! But so funny!

These attempts were quickly followed by a giggle, laughter,  and a huge smile. Sometimes, by both of us.

At least we could connect on that!

These illustrated our scarce, abbreviated, laid-back instances over a period of 17 days.

At times, it felt more like we were trying to crush some of that cemented silence that seemed to monopolize.

It was unbearable at times.

Only 4 or 5 days in I was thinking “All is fair in love and war…Bring it on!”

 

 

 


The textured sky

I went outside, sat down with my cup of coffee, and felt the cool breeze.

I lit my cigarette and puffed away.

Ruminating on the events of days past.

It had become my breakfast ritual since I found myself on that roof deck.

Some days my body was rehabilitating from alcohol-filled conversations the night before.

Other days, I was sharp.

On this day, I recall feeling cold and warm.

The Sun would intermittently show itself through the clouds, and then disappear.

Warm…

Cold…

It occurred to me to look up. I had my sunglasses on. To cover my recovering eyes.

The Sun was shining especially bright.

I remember thinking to myself “Oh, that’s why I’m feeling cold and warm.”

There were many little clouds in the sky. They looked like fluffy cotton candy. Or maybe like the many baby sheep I had seen on that island.

The Sun was extending its warm golden rays through the spaces between these countless soft baby animals.

I could also see the beautiful Mediterranean blue sky behind the clouds.

Then I thought “I love this. I wonder how it would feel to touch it. The texture. It looked perfectly textured.”

I stood up and took a few deep breaths. Closed my eyes with face up towards all of that beauty.

I grabbed another cup of coffee.

I lit myself another cigarette.

Then, enters the reason for all that daily perplexed contemplation.

He sat down. I offered him coffee. He rolled his cigarette. All in silence.

Sometimes, he was there before me. Sometimes, I was there before him.

But I always offered him coffee and a good morning.

He would sit in silence for a while. Maybe reading a book. Or maybe he was just staring at the screen some of the time.

Often, he was just there…with a confused, reticent, inquisitive gaze.

As if he was having an entire conversation with himself.

Then he said “I really like the sky today. It’s textured. The clouds have a defined shape. I really like that.”

I smiled.

I knew exactly what he meant.

 


Robotica

Am I a robot?

I found myself wondering today.

I ran a quick inventory of my past experiences to rebut such a silly thought.

I reached deep into areas that looked greyish white with all the dust.

The hallways extended into the horizon, I could barely see the end.

It felt endless.

I strolled around the seemingly infinite corridors for a while.

Some were well lit. Others in complete darkness.

It was like walking around a very old library…or a museum.

There were rays of sunshine coming through the small cracks in the windows like laser beams.

I could see stuff flowing in the air for brief moments in those bright rays.

Not just dust. There were other things. Doing their dance.

I could tell the Sun was setting.

I felt my way around in the dusking alleys…pupils dilated…until I remembered…

I came prepared this time! I brought a torch.

I dusted, and mopped, and placed some vibrantly colorful flowers in some areas.

I retrieved some old laughs, painful tears, hysterical giggling, stories of love, and anger, and deception, and deep devotion.

So much! I felt inundated.

Everywhere I turned there I was! Young, old, ugly, beautiful, kind, mean, angry, ecstatic…all at the same time.

“Well”, I thought to myself, “if I have emotions then it follows I am definitely not some technological marvel of a robot.”

A robot that looks so human.

A robot that feels human to the touch.

A robot whose metal body is immune to the rusting and rotting resulting from all the lacrimal matter.

After hours of close examination, I realized I had forgotten to fire the torch.

Curiously, I could see everything clearly.

On a second scan, of more recent files, I was confused.

I found it rather numb.

Chapters of what could be turned into the most dramatic stories.

A lot of frustrated and angry projections of which I was the bull’s eye.

The archives showed a cool poise.

A deliberate reaction.

Almost coldly calculated.

Dense dialogues filled with words to harmoniously accompany such…such…a robotic expression.

As I began to once again question my automaton existence.

I was quick to file away said archives.

Accompanied by the absence of desire to access them.

“They are what they are…” I thought to myself.

I am worried.

Or could this be the result of all the years of internal laboring away?

Similar to the dusting, revisiting, placement of flowers, as I happily and inquisitively strolled along those infinite hallways.

Nah! I am human!

I must be. My parents, who are human, conceived me out of love.

I pinched myself just to make sure.

 

 

 


Breaking through

Yes! I A D M I T!

It hurts a little bit.

I am hurting…

Maybe my ego is hurting more than anything else. Or the shot down idea…

If I cannot confess here, then where do I turn?

It was the potential, which was completely obliterated, that bums me out a bit.

Let me try to explain.

First you have imagine the body of “Lashes” coupled with several of his personality traits with a blank face. I really mean, no face at all!

Then imagine “Tati”, who, for the past three years, has been strolling happily through life on her own.

Sometime, in the first quarter of this year, something changed. As I have grown accustomed to, I went through what I call my “snail hiding in its house” phase. Living, interacting, but completely unplugged, if you can imagine that.

Many things were being processed, tossed, recycled, created…you get the picture right? I knew that I was, yet again, about to go through a major life transition in the next few months. And then it hit me! I am ready!

I WANT A PARTNER IN CRIME for this next phase!

And with that, the torrential downpour of emotions…questions…excitement…doubts…fears… desires…hope.

Well…I realized I had just finally cracked through that thick calcareous shell.

It was so cozy in there. It felt safe. I had created the perfect microclimate for a happy, sheltered life.

Wait, did I just say sheltered?

That is NOT how “Tati” lives her life! It is a good thing I exploded that calcified house, which has now shyly added volume to the sands of the most beautiful beaches.

Story continues…

Now you know I am open, and have been for a few months.

Like any bird poking through its shell for the first, or tenth, time, I could barely spread my wings with all that thick plasma glueing my tiny feathers together. My eyes were gooey too. And all that bright light! How long was I in there for?

The sights, smells, surfaces, and surroundings seemed quite familiar. Yes! I have been here before.

I digress…

As soon as I found myself ready, I wasn’t sure exactly in which direction to set my exploration. So, once that gel dried off of my skin, I flew away.

I remember daydreaming, which I still do to this day, of this awesome guy, who’s healthy, wholesome, intelligent, daring, tall, adventurous, irreverent, tells me to shut up once in a while (well…because I need that sometimes…I’m too much of a smart ass), kind, caring, respectful, sensitive, rugged, hot, flawed but willing and open to work on his kinks (after all, we all have our kinks)…a great PARTNER IN CRIME to join me in my, OUR ROYALLY EXCITING AND ADVENTUROUS life expedition! <fireworks sound effect in the background>

The only thing was, and still is, this awesome guy does not have a face. He always comes to me with all the aforementioned attributes, but with a blurred trace on his face.

So whenever I meet a guy with potential, that missing face appears in high definition. What also shows up is hope, happiness, anxiety, skepticism, some cynicism, curiosity, a feeling of warmth, and the strong urge to allow him in. Allow him to join me in that royally exciting journey.

Of all the reactive emotions to this face that suddenly defines itself in the flesh, the cynicism is what deeply bothers me. It is a work in progress. I am doing better, but a work in progress for sure. There is something about self-preservation in that.

This face has shown itself only a few times, but at least I’ve experienced glimpses of such presence.

Some of these faces moved right back into blurred world, for reasons I could exhaustively write about, but will not. Let’s just say that I have made some progress on my cynicism dissolution, but I’m not there just yet. I assume some of it was me just shooting them down for no obvious reasons, and others just really turned out to be truly sucky at a closer look.

Fast forward to April 2014.

Unexpectedly, “Lashes” face comes to once again bring real features to that blurred face.

I was excited.

….hope, happiness, anxiety, skepticism, some but less cynicism, curiosity, a feeling of warmth, and the strong urge to allow him in.

YEAH, I figure you know that by now, but it’s worth repeating.

Things seemed to be in good synchronization with him. Pretty harmonious.

So it seemed…

In my skeptical head, unfortunately, I was still keeping that face at a safe distance. Maybe I wasn’t ready to see all its details and find that…that…that guy had finally materialized. It always happens.

Also, in my practical head, I’m thinking…“well, I’m moving away in a few months…what good would it do me to find out if this face resonates with the personality?”

But, I still wanted to give it a three fourths try. Hey…I could have said a half try.

I think I did, but I have no idea what happened.

I think my face started to get blurred for “lashes”. And soon after, his face started to dissipate into thin air.

Which brings me back to the beginning.

I am perplexed. I am hurting…but I think it’s mostly my stupid ego that hurts. And the differentiation is critical.

It’s the potential that builds a good momentum towards something that feels great, but in this case, gets turned right back into inertia.

Frustrating!

This time, I must admit, it was too fast. On both ends, we hit a force that brought our accelerated

pace to a complete halt! So odd! Unpleasant!

So there!

I said it!

This sucks, and I’m not happy about it.

But, as in recent past, I will continue on my exploration, and someday this face will show, will stay, and join me.

 


Meanwhile…at the Hall of Justice…

That is totally a Super Friends reference.

Huh…huh…huh…you probably don’t know who Ragna is, if you are just reading this post, however, there are many entries on this blog about this other UTTERLY FUCKED UP BOY that Sassi the Spider dated for 7 years!!!

What is it with me and these guys that look and sound stable at first and turn out to be fucked up? I must be a magnet for it…

Humm, yeah…we haven’t talked in a while. It’s been about 1 year. There have been some attempts by Ragna, but I just didn’t have much to say. If he was looking for help for a very serious thing, then I’d be there in a second, but just chatting didn’t seem enticing enough. So I didn’t respond.

Fast forward to June 10th, 2014! I get a message that reads “Hi Sassi the Spider, I’m back from Brazil. I would like to talk to you. You’re going to laugh at me, and there’s some guilt in relation to you as well. I understand if you don’t want to talk, but if you do, just let me know when you’re free.”

So, we’re talking today. I am thoroughly curious to know what kind of breakthrough this person has had.

Let’s wait for the next entry, and you’ll hear all about it.

Wow…!


Fuck YOU – no Fuck ME – wait what?

What the fuck!?

I am having a temporary anger fit! So fuckin’ what? I am human!

What a horrible experience! I keep thinking to myself “I have NEVER met anybody like this…and I don’t mean it in a good way!” What a shitty thing it is.

I am mostly angry and disappointed at myself.

Nothing was learned from this experience…well…it was a very brief experience with no deep impact, but still shitty and unnecessary. Especially, because it was supposed to be a “going back to school to get my PhD, and go through a major life transition” relaxing and fun vacation. That is what bothers me the most about it.

What happened you miserable, selfish, narcissistic, piece of shit motherfucker? Why in this world would you fuck this up for me? I think it is unfair.

I tried my best to alleviate any stupid/childish/fearful idea you had in your head that I thought we could have something more just because we were traveling together.

I tried relieving the pussy-ish sense of pressure that this trip could be causing you in relation to a potential relationship. So, in my mind, there are NO EXCUSES for your continued less-than-ideal behavior.

I told you: “Hey, did you think I was looking for a long term relationship? I am moving to CO? So…no! Let’s just relax and have fun!”.

Also “I’ve always been great at being friends with men. So let’s just hang out. As friends. Really! I do it all the time.”

Not to mention, my attempts at showing I was actually ok.

So FUCK YOU. You BIG FUCKING SPOILED CHILD.

Ok!

Vent over!

Some good things about this experience:

1- I am starting to think and potentially plan my “around the world” trip, where I will attempt to cover 15 countries in most continents. I will plan on finishing my course work for my PhD, passing the examinations, become a PhD candidate, and then heading off for what I think will be a beautiful, life-changing experience. I want to volunteer for people in need in each of these locations (TBD), and live in their shelter and eat with them, and HELP them as much as I can, and allow them to HELP me.

I say this is a good thing coming out of this experience, because the troubled guy is the one who told me about this “around the world” program with airlines. So thank you for that.

2- I took at chance! I went to a place, not close to home, with a complete stranger, who I thought at the time was at least fun to hang out with. It completely sucked. Our experience together was horrible, but Mallorca itself is an amazing place.

3- I put in practice a lot of the things I’ve been working on. I’d say I have made some major progress in “self-contemplation and transformation”. I am happy about it. I am proud of myself. It’s still a work in progress, but I will give myself credit.

It doesn’t mean that I wasn’t “temporarily” hurt, or angry, or disappointed…but it’s the certainty that I feel for having done the right thing despite his best attempts to break me day in and day out. It’s my ability to discern what is his CRAP and what is my CRAP. It’s not taking his direct and indirect offenses personally. It’s understanding that everyone struggles. I certainly do as well. The difference is whether you’re choosing to deal with it or not, or if you just project your BULLSHIT onto people and hurt them…and hurt yourself.

4- It’s in the fact that I keep trying, despite the adversities I’ve encountered (read…shitty men. No….not shitty…just troubled and hurtful).

I’m sure there is more to come out, but this is it for now.

Sassi the Spider (aka <words by the fucked up boy she just met and is done with> The Hot Brazilian Girl) —> Hummm….yeah! Why don’t you fuck yourself!?


Continuing…

Continuing from “Before I forget…” – see preceding post.

1- Me “I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but when you talk about your ex-girlfriend, you talk as if you were still together. As if you were here with a friend (male or female) climbing, and hanging out; but you’re still in a relationship with your ex. You keep saying “my girlfriend…” Maybe you guys still have a chance of getting back together, maybe you need to figure out what or how you’re feeling about all that happened….just an observation.” He said “hummmm….I know I don’t love her anymore. I have no desire to talk to her. I have nothing to say. I think she was cheating on me…ah! It doesn’t matter…”

2- He said “You hate me huh? You must think I’m horrible.” (He must have said this a few times) my response “I certainly don’t hate you. I respect that you’re going through a hard time. I probably was where you are about 2 1/2 years ago (not really). It takes time, but you can’t keep ignoring it. You will continue dating all the girls that you’ve mentioned you’ve been dating. You will hurt many of them. You can’t keep using that, and other behaviors, to numb yourself. It will show up elsewhere, trust me. So try to deal with it now.” He said “Yes, you’re right. I’ve been very self-absorbed. I am depressed.” I said “I seriously believe that there are only VERY FEW truly bad/sick people in the world. The likes of Hitler…etc…yes, these people are just straight evil. However, a lot of people who are seemingly ‘bad’ are just going through a hard time, or have a mental health condition, etc. They don’t deliberately mean to hurt people. They just can’t help it.” (I went on to talk about my brother-in-law who struggles with bipolar disorder, and illustrated some examples of how he had been “mean” but how in essence, he is a good human being.)

3- He said “I have been very self-absorbed lately. I’m going through a self-absorbed phase and I need to break it.”

4- He said (with the usual bitter, “poking at me” tone) “I am not used to sharing my things with strangers.”

5- He said “So…is Brazil really more beautiful than this?” I said “It’s like I’ve been saying to you. It’s not more beautiful…not less beautiful. It’s all beautiful. I can’t really decide what is more beautiful. Nature is beautiful. Just like I think Boston is beautiful. The Sierras are beautiful…etc”

6- He said “Maybe I should learn Portuguese. Maybe I will adopt African babies. Like 100 of them! I want a whole village of adopted children, who will be polyglots, educated, awesome. I will need a bigger house, and a system. Maybe our own schooling system. There are towns in Maine that don’t even have a zip code or government because nobody cares about it. Maybe I’ll choose one remote area in Maine and make it my own town! With all my children. Sheez, forget 100, 200 children!” I said “That sounds pretty awesome! Do it!”

7- I said (talking about a common friend of ours) “When I first met him, I could tell he needed to talk. He shared it all. He even mentioned his ADHD and the heavy drugs he needs to take to function. He was saying that when he doesn’t take them, he gets very dysfunctional. He can never leave the house, because he has to do so many things on his way to the door. Feels compulsive…obsessive, and feels a bit paranoid sometimes. It’s sad, but it happens.” He said “No kidding…you’re so right. I used to think he was just an asshole when he would show up late for climbing. I just imagined he woke up whenever, took his time to make breakfast, and didn’t care that we were waiting. But you’re so right…wow…I wish I knew.” (he seemed really surprised by the insight)

I said “Like I said before…very few people are essentially bad. A lot of the things that bother us about others, could just be the biggest struggle. How could not have seen that?”

8- I said (after having just received a text from my high school friend, who is pregnant, and whose “boyfriend” just disappeared because of the pregnancy, and who are both adults!) “There’s something quite shitty about a guy who gets a girl pregnant and then just disappears…” (before I could finish my thought, he VERY quickly said) “Who? Your father?” (almost as if he was somewhat relieved I was saying that about my father) I said calmly “No…not my father…it’s my friend from high school that I’ve mentioned before. So her boyfriend…not boyfriend, the guy who got her pregnant freaked out and disappeared. They were dating before. It’s not like he is a teenager. He is a doctor. I think it sucks. If he doesn’t want to be with her, that’s one thing, but be there for the child! Unacceptable.”

9- He said (multiple times) “I am about to close a big contract. It’ll be a lot of money. People just give me a LOT of money for stuff.”

10- He said “I looked at houses in New Hampshire today. I can buy a 4-bedroom house, and let my sister live in it with her 5 children and husband. She can help pitch in. It’d be very nice for them. They live in a trailer with very little space. They are all so happy. But they might be even happier in their own rooms. It’d be nice to have my own place, even in the basement, where I could just dump my stuff when I travel and do stuff. I also looked at undeveloped land. Just throw a tent, and that’s good enough. My friends would only need to call me to let me know they wanted to use the space, and that’s it. That’d be nice. I also looked at ’round the world airfare with United Airlines. I could visit 5 countries in this program…I also worked.”

These will continue to come back to me.