Monthly Archives: July 2012

(un)pressing the “pause” button

(sound effect) <clicking sound of a very old tape recorder>

Oh dear blog! It’s been so long since I visited you. But oh! How I love you! How you’ve been my very impartial friend of confidences. I volunteered you to partake in my endless journeys. I hope these words don’t derange your binary codes into a frenzy of decimals.

Let me add some ∞ to further corrupt your code. I promise to list it in alphabetical order:

1- My job has been keeping me extremely busy and I still feel that I am not doing enough

2- My GRE prep course will begin on August 12th (oh, and it costs $1,300!!!)

3- I’m taking the GRE some time in mid-september

<I’m thinking right now that I will not put this list in alphabetical order>

4- Did I mention I’m applying for a few PhD programs in political sciences/health policy? And I have several statements of purpose to write.

5- My mom will be having her routine CAT scan next week. Oh yeah, she was diagnosed with colon cancer about two years ago, had surgery, and six months of chemotherapy. Thanks to God, she is doing very well, but needs to be checked on a regular basis for the next five years. I AM FREAKIN OUT!

6- My sister is going through a VERY SERIOUS problem right now. Oh, and she’s been through shit in the past 3 years, shit like: 1- my brother-in-law having a major breakdown from bipolar disorder which completely changed her, my niece’s and my life radically around; 2- she was diagnosed with “Hashimoto’s disease” which pretty much means her thyroid is going crazy and making her feel like SHIT; 3- oh! and so much more!

7- My mom is now living with me. Why? I don’t know! Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I think when she was my age, she had her own house, husband and children AND DID NOT LIVE WITH HER MOTHER. I own my house, work really hard to afford it, and REALLY like my privacy and solitude. All of which I accomplish with little to no help from anybody. So how is it that other people, namely my mom, does not have her own haven BEATS ME!

8- I have thought NUMBER 7 and am immediately overcome with guilt. I feel like a HORRIBLE daughter! I feel like a HIDEOUS human being! And then I torture myself with self-criticism and cry to alleviate the neverending dialogue with myself.

9- My dad, who decided to re-marry and have another child, is now trying to send my (half) sister to the US to study English. This really means I have to do all the fuckin groundwork and research to find the best schools for her, help with registration, figure out the paperwork for her Visa, and coordinate living arrangements. BECAUSE NO!!! She is not staying in my house! If that were to happen, I’d give her and my mom my beautiful condo and would rent another apartment for myself. I am not kidding! In fact, I think my dad should really take the damn lead on this since she is HIS daughter! Where is her mother? What THE FUCK?

10- I have thought NUMBER 9 and am immediately overcome with guilt. I feel like a HORRIBLE daughter! I feel like a HIDEOUS human being! And then I torture myself with self-criticism and cry to alleviate the neverending dialogue with myself.

11- October of last year I ended a 7 year relationship. We chose the sadistic route and separated over the period of one year (6 3/4 years is probably more accurate). Trying to rationalize the unintelligible. Attempting to intelectualize the irrational. And suffering all along the way.

12- NUMBER 11 is still an issue. I’m on a mission to work on it because I’m one of those people who can’t just leave shit alone! I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past 6+ years, and I’m not sure…Why the FUCK do I need to turn this into a “positive”? A lesson learned? Can I just be angry? Please…? It’s like picking a gashing wound!

13- I’ve made the decision not to put this list in alphabetical order.

14- I am planning a pretty cool birthday bash for myself! With live music and lots of awesome friends!

15- I’m travelling to San Francisco for work. However, I’m spending three days in SF for my personal enjoyment AND three days in San Diego with a very dear friend of mine.

16- I am turning 35!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY!!!!!!!!!!!! I remember when I was younger, I used to think 35 was old. It certainly doesn’t feel that way. I feel like I’m lacking some of the “old” qualities. I’m a childish 20-year old at best.

17- I feel like I’m screwing up every day.

18- I’ve met a few cool guys since I separated, but none of them seem to really want to stick around. I feel that people are so confused and afraid these days.

19- NUMBER 18 makes me understand how the Freudian transference really works. I’m a hypocrite. I am confused and afraid. I am the indifferent and detached one. All sequelae from relationships past and current…not just the romantic ones.

20- NUMBER 19 makes me really sad. I’m genuinely a good, generous, spontaneous, and loving human being. What happened? I’ll bounce back!

21- There are two guys who just seem to stick around in my mind. They are both really awesome. They are so intelligent. They are quirky and a bit nerdy. I’m really attracted to them, but currently, especially to one of them. I am really hoping that this one sticks around. I’m really hoping that I’m not a hypocrite.

22- My therapist is insisting that I examine some very uncomfortable insights. One of them is that I am allowed to have “dark” feelings. The other is that I don’t have to be strong ALL the time. I can actually be vulnerable and weak sometimes. Who knew?!                                                                                                An EXTREMELY disturbing one is that I am actually angry at my father. Angry for having put us through a very tribulated time after his divorce from my mom with all its the deceptions and lies. My mother in turn, deeply hurt, bitter and enraged, put us through unecessary emotional tumult. I was the only one living with my mom during the height of all of this. Also, being the most interactive and social in the family only made me a VERY EASY target for the fury of her harsh reality.

23- NUMBER 22 makes me feel utterly confused, guilty, and everything of that type. My dad and my mom are SIMPLY awesome. There could exist parents as devoted and unconditionally loving as my parents, but I can honestly say, there could not be “better” ones. I don’t know how to have feelings of anger towards them so I am constantly reevaluating my thoughts. I am doing this right now. I wouldn’t even know where to start. And so enters my therapist…I’m not very comfortable yet.

24- This is what makes us humans. Or is it?

LIST =  ∞

It is neverending!

Oh dear blog! How I love you!


Suffocation!

I’m trying to reach as deep into my diaphragm as I possibly can with each breath I take.

It’s been like this for the past few days. This is self-strangulation from within.

My failed attempts are at reaching that sensation of being calm…of being at peace within oneself.

My thoughts simply don’t want to be silenced. They’re all reminding me that I must now address them, or else…

In its current form, it’s at best an amalgamation of years of irrational fears, doubts, successes, happiness, warm childhood memories, painful adutlt realizations, utter inner sadness and emptiness. I’ve been able to lazily peel some of them apart over the years. But they’re very impatient with this phased approach. They’ve been lit to an explosive implosion and I am left with a sense of urgency and self-reformation.

It’s usually easier to anesthetize ourselves by persistently dismissing our thoughts. Everybody is guilty of this crime, and honestly, sometimes it’s the only tool we can use to keep from falling into insanity.

But who wants to live such a dead life?

I have embarked on a journey that has taken me around the universe a few times. Close self-examination is as ghastly as it is awesome. It is very much like the simultaneous loss and gain of innocence and wisdom that results from childhood to adolescence to adulthood to elderhood to death.

I’ve been neglecting some of my most vulnerable thoughts for so long, that it almost feels as if they were revolting against me as I write this.

THE TIME HAS COME! I must pay attention. Process, recycle, trash, and learn. I will only then be able to move forward. It feels incredibly agonizing and enlightening, but I must continue pushing with each contraction as I bring these elder babies to life.

The feeling is overwhelmingly constructive as it feels like I might be finally steering in the right direction. The luffing that existed is now replaced by sails filled with air. Who knows where the winds will take me. 

I just have to figure out a way to make this a less rarefied atmosphere.


First OUT! Second OUT! The third may now enter…

I am confused. And I’m pretty sure I have exhausted all my recourses on reserve for this one human being.

I have officially checked out!

The “third” may now enter…

Signed: a very pissed off sassi the spider 😉