Monthly Archives: December 2012

So much to write…

I promise to be back here tonight!




Feeling good! So Gooooddddgggyyyy!

I’m bouncing back! Just needed a few days…

I need to recollect…for a while. I need some solitude for reflection.

I feel nanometers thick right now. Information overload.

I love my friends, but some of them are effective dough rollers having stretched me to my cell-thick self. Yes, yes…I allow them to do it…no complaints I guess…I see my responsibility here.

But nothing wrong with keeping myself low in their radar. They will all survive and find other willing friends to ramble away their subconciousness. Shit! I have enough of my own!

It’s been an intricate past 5 or so years for me. More like 35 years. The good, the bad, and the  uggly. Then again, this is everybody’s reality.

I just started Chantix again. I quit for 3 1/2 years and was stupid enough to start smoking again. So I’m taking it again to “numb” myself from the incredible and uncanny urge to inhale that shitty nicotine and dozens more chemicals.

Let’s see what it will do to me this time. See…it did a wonderful thing for me. I quit! But it numbs not only your desire to smoke…it numbs a lot of other things. For me…it removed my veil of diplomacy and sensibility. So I just became too too toooooooooooooooo honest with people. I tried my best to keep some of it back, and trust me I did…but what I couldn’t control came out so honest…but so hurtful (i imagine…)

Not everybody is ready to hear feedback like that…I hope I can control it better this time around!

Gotta go now…one more meeting with a professor…yay!

Rude Awakening

Spiraling at a million miles per second

I can feel


Where are the brakes?

No! Don’t pull the brakes!

Isn’t that why we’re here?

One year of numbness

A lifetime of purity

One second of politeness and then…

…utter maddening thoughts

Where are you?

Where are you?

I believe in Santa Claus

<movie begins. With all the simultaneous dialogues and monologues between people all over…strangers…lovers…friends… You can hear the voices in the background, but can’t really make out what they’re saying. But everybody seems to have an opinion about something…whatever…>

“Oh, how good it feels to feel again!”

“Oh…I’m so proud of myself for finally breaking through the bubble! I can express my feelings…even if in a guarded way…”

“I’m so relieved to know I haven’t become a hard ass! I’m not cynical! I can be a little girl again and believe in the elusive Santa Claus!”

“It feels so cathartic to do this! I don’t care about the outcome, for as vulnerable as it feels…at the end of the day! I owed this to myself!”

“I feel so sorry for people like him.”

“I’m sorry for being so honest, but the guy is lacking some balls.”

“He’s a loser! That’s my opinion! How come that did not come out when you were having sex?”

“Yes! He’s lacking some balls…because if anything, he could’ve kept at least the sex going, even without the desire for a serious relationship!”

“I’m so proud of you for doing this…baby steps to becoming a tad bit vulnerable.”

“You shouldn’t have written that!”

“If I had read that e-mail, I would’ve seriously reconsidered YOU. That just showed a lot of baggage…and guys cannot process that.”


PLEASE STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How is it that I never tell you what to feel, and all of a sudden you feel it’s the right time to pick on me precisely in a moment I feel utterly shitty? I’ve taken a HUGE leap of faith, well for me anyways, and got REJECTED.

If anything, he was fundamentally honest. Heck! I’ve been asking for this for a while and I GOT IT. Get over it people! If I can understand it how come you can’t?

I so appreciate the lack of confusion. I appreciate that, at least, he knows what he does NOT want. Do you know how many times I’ve seen people, or myself for that matter, get tangled in situations that began because one of the people involved did not know what he/she wanted?

Get over it! I’d rather deal with a million guys like this <kinda hoping that it will stick one of these days though> than to deal with a confused soul who just doesn’t get it that sincerity supersedes everything!

Ok…I have to admit that I have passing thoughts of “socially awkward”, or even Asperger’s syndrome. Not bashing it…not at all…because nobody chooses to be that way. But it is completely out of my grasp that you can frequent a rock gym for 12 years and not EVER have made any friends…What do you mean you know the names of a few people but you are not really friendly with anybody?

However, this could be me just trying to find excuses to mend my momentarily crushed ego! So I take everything…all the talking…all the dialogues…all the monologues…with an ICEBERG of salt!

But at least I know I can be that little girl again who just falls for a guy.

So relieved!

Distilling…droplet by droplet

Wow! This week has been crazy!

Didn’t I tell you that “Step 2” is messed up?! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here it goes:

Yes, I did it!

It first started with a conversation with my family (brother, sister, and sister-in-law) where I finally reached out for help with my mom. My mom has been staying with me for a while, and it seems as though it will stay this way for (ever). I LOVE my mom, but I so love my alone time and it’s been a tough reality to digest.

I am so Grateful that she is here. This woman battled cancer without a single complaint. She is Thankfully very healthy and strong. So you can imagine my crazy self-given guilt trips for even having thoughts of wanting my “own space”. What am I taking about? How evil is that?

Ok, so it doesn’t stop there…

My sister-in-law was the first to provide me feedback. And wow! Wow! She confirmed every demon in my head. The summary was…”I am suprised by your cruelty. By your lack of humanity.” with some Bible quotes in between.

I responded by completely disregarding my initial comment/request. I attributed it to “mental diarrhea” or something like that. Honestly, I fundamentally disagree with my sister-in-law, but I was not about to pick a serious fight with the woman who’s married to my brother and mother of my nephew. We don’t have to agree. Everybody is entitled to their opinion.

HOWEVER, my sister, who also disagrees with my sister-in-law, sent me an e-mail which got mistakenly sent to my sister-in-law. <they have never really loved each other> Yikes.

The e-mail was not horrible, but touched on some pretty sensitive topics about what she thinks about my sister-in-law. Something along the lines of “she needs serious help!”.

That has unleashed a big ball of shit! Conclusion of this…they don’t want to see each other EVER again. What? How?  We’re a family!

Ok…next crap of my “Step 2” rollercoaster!

You know “Angel”? If you don’t it doesn’t matter…but he’s a guy I really like. This happened after a very intense and tribulated relationship with “Ragna”.

We went on a date about 2 weeks ago. I’ve liked him for a while and we dated for a brief time earlier this year.

Back then it was too soon after my separation so I was very detached and hands-off. Yes, I know…not cute or funny. But it is what it is.

I spilled my guts to him in my screwed up intellectualized way. It feel so bare, vulnerable and exposed. But I also feel really great knowing that I can feelings like that again. Even better, that I can express them, even if in my quirky, “cool”, guarded way.

I’m working on it…I really am. But these things take a while. I believe this is a first HUGE step for me in the right direction for romantic relationship stuff.

I’m just glad that I have not turned into a cold and cynical person.

I LIKE a guy! yay!

I am pretty sure I’ll never hear from him again…but what’s done is done. No regrets!

Sassi the Spider —> getting crazier every day, but now with loving feelings!

Every month…anxiety guaranteed or your money back!

So…my menstrual cycle is really short…25 days on the dot! To make matters worse, my period lasts me 7 full days!

Why should you care?

Ok…it goes something like this…

Step 1: 3-4 days before my period —> anxiety galore! Even my speech is affected. I can’t really keep up with what I’m thinking/feeling so I usually do those “tongue twisters” where I can’t finish a sentence, or have to make a serious effort to pace myself in order to speak clearly. This my friends, brings even more anxiety, because I hate sounding like an idiot! I think a million things. I question a million things! I either don’t finish processing any one of these thoughts or questions, or I will have ongoing compulsive monologues with myself about a very minor thing that wouldn’t have bothered me at a different time in the month.

At one point I even went for speech therapy! OH MY!!! And the therapist is telling me…”But your speech is just fine.” I’m thinking…”What? Listen to me…I have a lisp! My tongue feels tied at times! What do you mean?” She gave me a bunch of stupid exercises to do. I did them religiously for about 2 months on my bumper-to-bumper traffic jam commute to work. Only to realize that the drivers next to me probably thought I was perfecting my fellatio-giving techniques. NOT FUNNY!

Step 2: 1 day before my period and first 3 days during my period —> I feel straight up like a SHITTY psycho maniac! I feel like a worthless amoeba. It doesn’t matter how much things are obviously going right in my life. I will still feel like I am fucking up somehow! Am I doing enough? Am I where I should be? Why did I respond to person X this way? Why in the world does she talk SO MUCH? I can’t take it! I cry! I laugh! I feel anesthesized! I see a very different person in the mirror…

With my little bit of sanity and objectivity, as I am doing all of the above, I know they’re all caused by my CRAZY hormones. But it doesn’t matter…i just want to curl into a ball (of shit) and feel bad for myself.

Step 3: 4th-7th day of my period —> Wow! I can take full breaths again. The sky is suddenly so beautiful, sunny, blue, and shiny! Wow, the girl in the mirror looks HAWWTTTT! I think…”See? i’ve made it through…ONCE AGAIN for the approximately 230th time! I’m sure next month will be better! I got this down to a science! yay!”

Step 4: Period ends to 12-14 days after —> Feeling awesome! Kinda preparing myself for the T – 3 (aka Step 1)…but otherwise…just feeling good, mellow, patient, loving myself, friendly…

Step 5: Step 1 – Lather, Rinse, Repeat!

So for shits and giggles I look up online what ELSE I can do for this monthly emotional rollercoaster that my life has become. IT IS SO EXHAUSTING!

C’mon! I do my part! I practice yoga twice a week, I rock climb twice a week, I pole dance once a week, I exercise at home, I row, I do aerial yoga, etc…I eat very healthy.


Here is a list that seems to monopolize the recommendations:

“To manage stress and diminish anxiety during your period:

  1. Exercise on a regular basis.
  2. Eat a well-balanced diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables.
  3. Be sure to get enough sleep; seven to eight hours a night is optimal for most people.
  4. Minimize your alcohol and caffeine intake.
  5. Avoid tobacco.
  6. Spend time relaxing with friends and family.
  7. Express your thoughts and emotions by writing in a journal.
  8. Consider meditation and deep breathing exercises.”

Numbers 1, 2, 3 (sometimes), 5, 6, 7 (well, this BLOG for instance), and 8 ARE ALL UNDER CONTROL.

I do like my coffee. And you know what??? Wine helps me relax so fuck it! I don’t drink it TO relax…but once in a while…for instance…right now, I just had a glass of wine and all of a sudden I feel less anxious. I am currently T – 2!!!

Ok that’s it for now!

Sisterly exchanges

<sister to Sassi the Spider>

Sassi the Spider,
  You know what just have fun with the Kid and if at some  point things get serious Great!
    I think he is just too young (for a man)  and you are way ahead of the game.
    But again, doesn’t hurt to have some fun and  have a good company once in a while 🙂

<sassi the spider to sister>

true…but when you meet him you’ll think he’s older than me!  kkkkkkk

<sister to Sassi the Spider>

Okay so when can I meet him 🙂

<sassi the spider to sister> (no translation provided…sorry!)

oh SNAP! ele acabou de falar que deixei meu  cordao e pulseira na casa dele. That’s not good. Eu me lembro de pensar assim “I  better get everything so he doesn’t think i’m doing this on purpose!” Shoot!  Freudian slips! Well…on the bright side, he asked me what I’m  doing next weekend. And wrote a bit more this time around. O foda e  que acho que vou trabalhar no fim de semana que vem… your sister  is funny Vanessa…but at least this keeps my mind off of some shit i’ve been  thinking about…
<sister to Sassi the Spider>
what kind of shit have you been thinking about ???
I mean Mom is something Huge, and I feel very anxious to try  to help but don’t know how. BUT, when Lee leaves home for good (hoping this  weekend) you can send mom over every now and then to spend a few weeks or even a  month with me, I guess this is the only way I can help for now.
  But what else, really are you so Worried about—I’m not  kidding you when I wish I had your life, well of course your Life +  <my sister’s daughter> 🙂
  and the thing about the Necklace, Relax woman,  you sound like a teenager-so what if he thinks you could have done it on purpose  (though you didn’t) the point is, you’ll get to see him again 🙂
   and get a rain check if you have to work, or even  better invite him for a ski trip !!!!!
  You are a funny Girl  🙂


<sassi the spider to sister>


mom is really not a big part of it…

I wonder if I’m ever going to have a <niece’s name and nephew’s name>

I wonder how it is that I’ve become so cynical about love.

I wonder if I come across as the “tall, confident, intelligent, do-it-all by herself woman, BITCH”, and I try to dial it down by being completely “goofy” around people so I don’t “intimidate” them.

I have a hard time opening up…so instead I listen to all my friends’ pain and sometimes feel overwhelmed by it. It’s not their fault…really…I know.

I wonder why it is that I’m 35 and I’ve never felt truly loved by a man (I know you, mom, dad, Marvio, Lana, and Kaiden love me…but you know what I mean)

I wonder if my “bluntness” and lack of tolerance for bullshit from people will get me in trouble with boysl…I truly dislike “confused” people at this point in my life.

Every month, for a few days, I feel extremely anxious…my speech doesn’t work very well…and I just feel like shit. Yes, it’s hormone related, but it happens EVERY MONTH…

Oh, did I mention, I wonder if I’m ever going to be a mother?

I wonder so much more…

But there are good things too…

So you see? I guess it’s not that bad…