Mr. Gentle, Tall, Charismatic, Nurturing, Handsome, Intelligent, Healthy guy…
I am not sure how I will feel about you in 3-6-9 months, but I am very much liking you. It has been a while since I felt this jolt of “liking”, and I guess it feels good. But it is like I said, I’m not sure how I will feel in a few months. Maybe more intensely, maybe neutral, maybe discouraged.
Isn’t it amazing how life, or rather, our sensing, takes us from one emotional state to another, based on perception alone? Yes…I’ve been there a few times…
From pure ecstasy, to liberation, to love, to deception, to sadness, to hope, to persistence, to sheer madness, to self-doubts, suffering, anger, transparency, understanding, self-forgiveness, forgiveness in general, healing, understanding, sadness, healing, understanding, allowing oneself to feel all the emotions while not clinging to them…healing…exhaustion, more learning, self-forgiveness, and right back to loving oneself and another…
Right now, I feel a very strong pull towards you. I do! I really wish you would reciprocate this pull, by drawing me near to YOU. By allowing me INTO you, into your circles, your heart.
At first, you seemed genuinely enthusiastic about this new “girl” you had just met. We shared quite a lot in our initial exchanges. We then spoke and added more color and texture to our dynamics. I honestly felt that it had gone quite well…but then I doubted my instincts. Yes, that happens often, unfortunately.
Then you wanted to continue to evolve our dynamics to a more 3-dimensional, possibly 4-dimensional, realm. I bailed! I am so sorry! I did…and have no idea what that decision did to you.
I continued to be interested, so I took a leap! I went to you. The pull was already that strong. I had never done anything like that.
The experience for me? Well, it was transcendental. As I walked towards you, as you stood in front of that real rustically cozy pub, I felt something good. And no…I had still not seen your face completely yet.
I said something like “<insert name here>! I can’t believe I am here! Oh my! You should feel very flattered that I drove all the way here!”
And you…you spread your wings (quite the wing span) and as you embraced me you said “I AM flattered, and you deserve a kiss!”. With a wide and gentle smile on your face, you very respectfully kissed my cheek.
At that very moment, I thought “How refreshing to find somebody as open as this guy! What a nice, nice guy!” I don’t remember the last time I met a “stranger” who I felt this comfortable with, even seconds before the embrace.
The whole night was quite pleasant for me. We talked, we drank, we ate, we were quiet, we joked, we were serious, we looked into each other’s eyes, we listened, we even danced…yes, we DANCED! Oh…and we had an awesome jazz/swing band play “Garota de Ipanema” just for us…remember? “tall and tanned and young, and lovely, the girl from Ipanema…”
My instincts were very strongly telling me that you were experiencing the moment in a very similar way as I was. I felt it. I saw it. I heard it. I sensed it.
At the very end, as you walked me to my car and we said our “goodbyes”, I did give you a more shy hug. I felt like you were looking down on the crown of my head, so I looked up…but that was it. I got in my car and was quick to text the one friend who knew the “nice risk” I had just taken.
I’m sitting there for 3 minutes, and then you show up once again. You did the “roll down the window” sign, and then spoke – “As I was walking to my car, I saw another place that seems to have a good crowd. How are you feeling? Tired? We can try to check it out. It might be lame, but…”
(at one point in the night, I noticed you were really careful with your use of language. You would pause sometimes before speaking, as if you were choosing the “right” word to perfectly capture whatever it was that we happened to be talking about at the moment. I thought it was very interesting…so…)
I said “I’m not that tired. I’m worried about you. You are the one who goes to bed early. Do YOU want to go to this pub?”
For a second I felt it was a bit strange to ask the question that way…but we got out of our cars and off we went.
You said “Ok, this is our second date.” and to my surprise that comment made me feel all fuzzy inside. Go figure!
We talked a bit more. This time we were seriously competing with the music. It was so loud!
I felt you wanted me to be around, so I was happy with that, because I also wanted you to be around for as long as the night would last.
You, once again, walked me to my car. I said I had a lot of fun, and you said “Oh good! I passed the test!”…and I asked “Did I pass the test?”. I swear I either didn’t get an answer, or I didn’t hear it.
Needless to say, I have been daydreaming about it since then. Going on three weeks…
I am back to doubting my instincts once again. I’m not entirely sure that you feel the way I feel. And that triggers a lot of reactions and emotions…
Thoughts like…”at least I met somebody I can actually identify with…it’s been so long. I’m happy for that.”
“why am I doubting myself…he did say that ‘we are a powerful presence I could get used to’…and it’s not like this guy lies or wastes words”
“Snap out of it…if he is not as ‘present’ as he initially was, he is not interested, and this probably happened after meeting you (for whatever reason beyond me). DO NOT ALLOW ANOTHER “Angel” situation to take place.”
“ohhhh…damn…so close…so close…”
maybe this, maybe that…and this list is long.
I do want to promise myself to use what I have learned from experiences past. Similar and not-so-similar experiences. I DO NOT WANT to spend too much time pondering (or longing) about something that is not going to happen. Why am like that? I know I LOVE daydreaming, but I feel like daydreaming is not going to help me love or be loved IN REAL LIFE.
Oh…but it feels so good to daydream. I can do whatever I want! 🙂 and the dreams are so awesome, sweet, true love, adventurous, and everything that feels good and right.
STOP IT! Just promise this to yourself.
I am not sad. It’s a mix of a nostalgic sensation I don’t really know where it’s coming from, with a certain disappointment, that yet again I am finding myself here. I would like to cry…but I don’t really feel like it.
I still have Faith and Hope that my daydreaming will become Reality one day. Many have already materialized.
I feels good to let this out. Thank you blog!