Monthly Archives: December 2013

I really need to write something…even if for cyberspace vaccum

Mr. Gentle, Tall, Charismatic, Nurturing, Handsome, Intelligent, Healthy guy…

I am not sure how I will feel about you in 3-6-9 months, but I am very much liking you. It has been a while since I felt this jolt of “liking”, and I guess it feels good. But it is like I said, I’m not sure how I will feel in a few months. Maybe more intensely, maybe neutral, maybe discouraged.

Isn’t it amazing how life, or rather, our sensing, takes us from one emotional state to another, based on perception alone? Yes…I’ve been there a few times…

From pure ecstasy, to liberation, to love, to deception, to sadness, to hope, to persistence, to sheer madness, to self-doubts, suffering, anger, transparency, understanding, self-forgiveness, forgiveness in general, healing, understanding, sadness, healing, understanding, allowing oneself to feel all the emotions while not clinging to them…healing…exhaustion, more learning, self-forgiveness, and right back to loving oneself and another…

Right now, I feel a very strong pull towards you. I do! I really wish you would reciprocate this pull, by drawing me near to YOU. By allowing me INTO you, into your circles, your heart.

At first, you seemed genuinely enthusiastic about this new “girl” you had just met. We shared quite a lot in our initial exchanges. We then spoke and added more color and texture to our dynamics. I honestly felt that it had gone quite well…but then I doubted my instincts. Yes, that happens often, unfortunately.

Then you wanted to continue to evolve our dynamics to a more 3-dimensional, possibly 4-dimensional, realm. I bailed! I am so sorry! I did…and have no idea what that decision did to you.

I continued to be interested, so I took a leap! I went to you. The pull was already that strong. I had never done anything like that.

The experience for me? Well, it was transcendental. As I walked towards you, as you stood in front of that real rustically cozy pub, I felt something good. And no…I had still not seen your face completely yet.

I said something like “<insert name here>! I can’t believe I am here! Oh my! You should feel very flattered that I drove all the way here!”

And you…you spread your wings (quite the wing span) and as you embraced me you said “I AM flattered, and you deserve a kiss!”. With a wide and gentle smile on your face, you very respectfully kissed my cheek.

At that very moment, I thought “How refreshing to find somebody as open as this guy! What a nice, nice guy!” I don’t remember the last time I met a “stranger” who I felt this comfortable with, even seconds before the embrace.

The whole night was quite pleasant for me. We talked, we drank, we ate, we were quiet, we joked, we were serious, we looked into each other’s eyes, we listened, we even danced…yes, we DANCED! Oh…and we had an awesome jazz/swing band play “Garota de Ipanema” just for us…remember? “tall and tanned and young, and lovely, the girl from Ipanema…”

My instincts were very strongly telling me that you were experiencing the moment in a very similar way as I was. I felt it. I saw it. I heard it. I sensed it.

At the very end, as you walked me to my car and we said our “goodbyes”, I did give you a more shy hug. I felt like you were looking down on the crown of my head, so I looked up…but that was it. I got in my car and was quick to text the one friend who knew the “nice risk” I had just taken.

I’m sitting there for 3 minutes, and then you show up once again. You did the “roll down the window” sign, and then spoke – “As I was walking to my car, I saw another place that seems to have a good crowd. How are you feeling? Tired? We can try to check it out. It might be lame, but…”

(at one point in the night, I noticed you were really careful with your use of language. You would pause sometimes before speaking, as if you were choosing the “right” word to perfectly capture whatever it was that we happened to be talking about at the moment. I thought it was very interesting…so…)

I said “I’m not that tired. I’m worried about you. You are the one who goes to bed early. Do YOU want to go to this pub?”

For a second I felt it was a bit strange to ask the question that way…but we got out of our cars and off we went.

You said “Ok, this is our second date.” and to my surprise that comment made me feel all fuzzy inside. Go figure!

We talked a bit more. This time we were seriously competing with the music. It was so loud!

I felt you wanted me to be around, so I was happy with that, because I also wanted you to be around for as long as the night would last.

You, once again, walked me to my car. I said I had a lot of fun, and you said “Oh good! I passed the test!”…and I asked “Did I pass the test?”. I swear I either didn’t get an answer, or I didn’t hear it.

Needless to say, I have been daydreaming about it since then. Going on three weeks…

I am back to doubting my instincts once again. I’m not entirely sure that you feel the way I feel. And that triggers a lot of reactions and emotions…

Thoughts like…”at least I met somebody I can actually identify with…it’s been so long. I’m happy for that.”

“why am I doubting myself…he did say that ‘we are a powerful presence I could get used to’…and it’s not like this guy lies or wastes words”

“Snap out of it…if he is not as ‘present’ as he initially was, he is not interested, and this probably happened after meeting you (for whatever reason beyond me). DO NOT ALLOW ANOTHER “Angel” situation to take place.”

“ohhhh…damn…so close…so close…”

“desencontros”

maybe this, maybe that…and this list is long.

I do want to promise myself to use what I have learned from experiences past. Similar and not-so-similar experiences. I DO NOT WANT to spend too much time pondering (or longing) about something that is not going to happen. Why am like that? I know I LOVE daydreaming, but I feel like daydreaming is not going to help me love or be loved IN REAL LIFE.

Oh…but it feels so good to daydream. I can do whatever I want! 🙂 and the dreams are so awesome, sweet, true love, adventurous, and everything that feels good and right.

STOP IT! Just promise this to yourself.

I am not sad. It’s a mix of a nostalgic sensation I don’t really know where it’s coming from, with a certain disappointment, that yet again I am finding myself here. I would like to cry…but I don’t really feel like it.

I still have Faith and Hope that my daydreaming will become Reality one day. Many have already materialized.

I feels good to let this out. Thank you blog!

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Note to self

I want to transparently love and be loved.

I need to feel comfortable stepping into the world of vulnerability, to truly accomplish the first.

Remind myself daily, that being vulnerable is human, and as far as I know…well…I am human.

Even as I play in the pool of vulnerability, DO NOT OVERDO it, and really choose well who will join you.

That is it for now.

I want to love and be loved.


Desencontros – Parte Dois

Yes, my friends…I think I’m, yet again, finding myself on the other side of the unreciprocated interest.

Sucks!

But, at least I found somebody I could identify with. And that is a major win.

And the evolutionary process continues (I may have stolen this from someone)

Ughhhhhhhhhhh


“We are a powerful presence…”

“…I could get used to.”

Remember this day Sassi…remember this day. December 7th, 2013.

“Already a good story for the grand kids whether they are mine or otherwise.”

 


One year later! Exactly ONE FUCKIN’ YEAR!

This post will take all kinds of shapes!

Long story short, I saw my “angel” (not so much of an “angel” anymore, but…still a decent guy I guess), yesterday, on 12/01/13 to be precise. He was in his “Holiday” print sweater (chuckles). He was his robotic self (not chuckling). Our exchange went as far as “Hi, How have you been?” plus a few polite smiles, and that is it (really! no chuckles now).

The fucked up thing is that, as I thought about it for a few minutes. deeply annoyed by the lack of dialogue, I realized that it had been EXACTLY one year since we last went on a date. So how do you go from having good time, kissing, caressing, having sex, breakfast, etc…to only a very uncomfortable “Hi How are you?”.

Why the fuck does it bother me so much? The fact that it bothers me, frustrates me. Ughh!

I had a friend with me last night. We had a few more brews, talked, and then went to a different pub. At my suggestion. I have to admit I was more annoyed than uncomfortable. It was either leaving the same space that my awkward “angel” and I were occupying, or walking up to him and going “What theeeeeeeee fuckius!? It’s ok to talk. I promise I won’t bite. I can guarantee you that talking to me will not end up in marriage, or me ‘confusing’ things, or you ‘leading me on’, or anything…just talk. I think you already know I’m not one of those ‘crazy’ stalker ladies…”

Vent over!

But seriously, this bothers me. I’ve always managed to stay friends with guys that started out as more than just friends. In fact, one of my best male friends is somebody I dated for a while. We later realized that we’d be better as friends. And so, we’re 12 years into our pretty awesome, devoid of sexual tension, friendship.

I think what bothers me, is what I don’t know or understand. I wonder what he thinks about me. Could it be that he doesn’t really engage in conversation, the few times we’ve run into each other, because he thinks I’ll mix things up? Does he think i’m a “crazy lady”?

His experience with me has been anything but that, so I quickly realize that he is like that, because that’s how he is with everybody. I’m guessing he is probably close to only very FEW people (like immediate family and a few few fewwwww friends.)

But it doesn’t matter how I rationalize it, I very much dislike it. And I still don’t know why.

At this point, it’s clear to me that we probably wouldn’t work as a couple, and maybe he understood it way before I did. So, I don’t want to have a relationship with him, as I thought I did about 1 year ago. But, I still think that we could talk like “normal” people when we do run into each other.

I have my own “theories” on this, and have written a post here somewhere about it, but I don’t like this situation too much. 😦

I have so much more to say…

And to add more texture to this story…

Coincidentally, and ironically enough, today a very good friend of mine told me he was attracted/had feelings for me. I don’t feel the same way, and I know it SUCKS horribly when your feelings are not reciprocated. Ummm well…I was exactly where my friend is, almost 1 year ago to the hour (with “angel” yes!) You just want to curl up in a ball until that feeling or thought or situation just stops existing! ahahahahah it sucks!

It’s interesting how it came out though. I had a feeling that he was a bit bitter/resentful towards me, which is very unlike him. I doubted my instincts, but just had to approach him about it. And so I did today, and with some back and forth he did admit that he was feeling frustrated.

His words “This would be easier (and prob more embarrassing) in person. It wasn’t anything you did but how I chose to think/feel about it.”

I continued to ask. He finally said “Crapless version: I’m attracted to you but feel I’ve been friendzoned and realize/hope that may be because I don’t feel like a good bf applicant right now.”

I was obviously very flattered. He is such a cool guy. But I just don’t feel the same way.

There’s a word in Portuguese that describes this very well. “DESENCONTRO”. I can’t find a word in English that embodies this experience as well as DESENCONTRO does for me.

It’s like the perfect dance of mismatched perfect encounters.

I also had another VERY cool guy tell me about his feelings for me last week…but alas no reciprocation there either.

And trust me…I tried to give myself a chance to have feelings for these guys, but I guess “trying” defeats the purpose? I don’t know…I know it’s not there for me.

That’s it for now…

I feel like writing “angel” another one of my rational, not so rational, e-mails…yikes! Please stop me! 🙂