Monthly Archives: June 2012

Freudian Slips of Tongue and Language Barrier

Two funny stories I must share. Both somewhat related to rock climbing. (Please note: I am originally from Brazil, but have been in the US for almost 20 years. From time to time, I find myself and sticky situations because of linguistics.)

1- One day I was climbing with my OCP (rock climbing pop culture 101 – this term stands for “original climbing partner”.) Let’s call my OCP “M”.

I usually bring one or two bananas with me for energy. I was starting to get a bit hungry and said “M, I’m so hungry! Hang on a second while I go eat my bananas. Do you want my banana?”

Ok! Pause for a second! I know I can always blame the fact that English is not my native language. But I’ve been here for almost 20 years!

Can you find the problems with those few sentences?

a) Do I have “bananas”?

b) Even if I did, how many???

c) And even if I did have 2 or more of my own “bananas”, am I a cannibal?

I could see a grin on M’s face as he tried to hold back whatever he was thinking.

2- This past Tuesday, I was climbing again with my very own OCP. I was wearing an almost all black outfit. I started chalking up my hands to see if I could finally get to the top of that V2 that had been kicking my butt in the bouldering room.

As I’m looking at my outfit, I think to myself “Oh, I’m all covered in white stuff!”. ONLY I DID NOT ONLY THINK IT TO MYSELF, I SAID IT OUT LOUD. In a volume high enough that other OCPs around me (mostly men) heard me.

M goes “Oh yeah, it’s the chalk.” (trying really hard to be polite and subtle).

Pause for a second again! I’ve been climbing with M for a few months now. This type of “relationship” requires a lot of trust and reciprocal encouragement, right? Furthermore, my sense of “boundaries” is a bit off sometimes. And, finally, M is just a very nice guy…not one of those “sleazy” guys.

Pressing “play” again – I said “Oh M, I’m such a little kid! I just had some very wrong thoughts right now. And the worst part is that I’m actually saying this to you. I’m so sorry. You have a crazy climbing partner.”

M goes “It’s like you’re 17 all over again!”

The end.

(I lost count of how many stories like this I have…the wonders of linguistics and slips of tongue)

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Creating a “Boys” folder in your e-mail account

And by “Boys” I really mean men!

Ok…I’ve been in touch with a few men lately! No harm in that! I am single! It’s not like I’m sleeping with every one of them. (tssk tsssk tskskkk)

I finally can fully enjoy being a S-I-N-G-L-E woman! And let me say, a single woman who feels fully comfortable in her own skin.

Lately, I’ve been meeting a lot of interesting people, men and women! Something inside of me was unleashed that set off this very engaging cascade of first encounters.

So today, I actually had to create a “Boys” folder in my e-mail account.

I just need to keep track of all these awesome connections I’ve been making. It’s been interesting the observe the full spectrum of male personalities I’ve met over the past few months.

I should probably come up with other denominations for the “classes” of men I’ve been in touch with. Something like this:

1- He’s great and intelligent but just a bit way too quirky

2- He’s hot, but such a troublemaker

3- He’s so senstive and intelligent, but seems a bit too uncertain

4- He WILL CRUSH YOUR HEART (gradually that is)

5- He is AWESOME, I CATEGORICALLY WANT HIM!

I’ve met all types. I’m not too sure I’ve met #5 yet, but I’m sure on the lookout for him.

All I can say is that when you have to create a “Boys’ folder” in your e-mail account, IT IS NOT A GOOD SIGN! You’re spending way too much time on the internet with these men! Get out there an enjoy them!


Emptiness!

Crying is not helping me at all!

Screaming is not helping me at all!

Wine is not helping me at all!

Blasting the music is not helping me all!

Working compulsively is not helping either!

Daydreaming…NO!

Dancing and singing in front of the mirror…nope!

Pretending

Therapy

Rock climbing

Rowing

Sailing

Yoga

Pole dancing…

NOT IN THE FUCKIN’ LEAST!!!

I feel like SHIT today!


Constructive thinking through positive fixation: My lame attempt to numb my thoughts

I’ve been thinking about this topic over the past several days and I think I may have something to write about.

About two weeks ago, I decided to carefully regurgitate the reasons why I have been fixated on certain routines, people, things, and behaviors.

I have been gravely concerned that I might have an obsessive personality. I consistently wake up, fall asleep, dream about, and live through the day thinking about some specific things. Very often, I have entire monologues with myself about these very same things.

I have a pretty good therapist who I’ve been seeing for over six years. He has helped me take a maddening journey through, within, and without myself. I can confidently say that about 95% were lukewarm insights and things I could conclude on my own. Let’s just say that the remaining 5% has effectively perpetuated my therapist’s indispensable role in my life.

I daydream a lot. It must be a coping mechanism of some type. I don’t mind feeling pain, in fact, I think it’s necessary. Through the years I have been slowly mastering the art of neutralizing the pain and working arduously to turn it into a positive experience. This can potentially trigger other frustrating and self-punishing emotions, but at least you have something to look forward to at the end.

I don’t identify with any specific religion. I try to keep an open mind. Out of curiosity, I have frequented various “temples” which follow different religious denominations.

There’s a reason why I’m suddenly writing about religion. There was a time that I attended “services” at a local Alan Kardec spiritist society. At the time, I was struggling with acid thought processes due to some major deceptions that had taken place. I spoke with one of the society’s leaders in an attempt to free myself from that self-inflicted lamentable cycle. His words we very simple and clear, he said: “Whenever you find yourself having these thoughts and feel like you’re spiraling down. First, consciously make a decision to stop the thoughts. Then, you try to make it neutral, such that they don’t exert any unpleasant emotions. Finally, you need to try very hard to turn those thoughts into positive experiences. I know it is easier said than done, but trust me, it will work. At one point, this will be instinctual, and a more constructive outlook will monopolize. This kind of process, if done correctly, will self-perpetuate.”

Since then, I have always made every effort to follow the humbling 3-step process. At times, it is instinctual. Other times, it is a struggle.

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I don’t want to sidetrack, as I often do, but there’s one other very simple teaching I learned at this same place. It has had a major impact on my personality and how I relate to people. I will expand on it in a different post. The other leader of this group said during a lecture one day: “Always be vigilant of your thoughts about yourself and others. When you make a judgement about somebody and feel the impulse to share it with others, make sure that you ask yourself these questions. 1- Are my conclusions about this person correct? 2- What is my true motivation for sharing my opinion with this person? 3- Is this person ready to hear this comment and do something about it, or will it just hurt the person’s feelings? 4- Will this foster any type of improvement in this person’s life?” If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, then just keep your opinion to yourself. Everybody is at a different stage in their journeys.

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Back to turning potentially negative thoughts into constructive perspectives.

As I said before, I have been employing this simple philosophy in my daily life for quite a while now. It has evolved to different iterations of the original.

Lately, I’ve observed that it’s become one of my main coping instruments.

The past few years of my life have been very tribulated and I’ve had to repeatedly apply these simple steps on a daily basis. I didn’t want to resort to chemical solutions to my problems. I wanted to rely on my resilience, which I have always been proud of. It’s a very difficult thing to succeed in, especially when you’d rather not have an audience for your anguish.

When I decided to separate from “Ragna”, after seven years and lots of hurt, I found myself yet again having to use a now mutated version of this humble approach.

I found “Champion” aka “my unlikely angel”. I wrote a series of posts about him already. Here are two of them: https://sassithespider.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/my-most-recent-angel/ AND https://sassithespider.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/the-unlikely-angel-part-trois-31-2/

I’ve been trying to understand why this person has monopolized my mind over the past few months.

Oh wait! He’s not the only temporary “fixation” I have acquired. There are two others. And then there’s other things like yoga, rock climbing and rowing. And this very blog!

I was really preoccupied with myself in regards to “Champion”. Why do I think about him so much? Why do I feel the urge to keep him in my radar? Why have I managed to keep a sustained connection with him?

I only met him a few months ago, so it’s not that we have deep connection. But what is going on?

Well…my explanation is that in a semi subconscious and borderline conscious effort, I have replaced any and all unpleasant thoughts and emotions related to my experience with “Ragna”, with the more benign and constructive existence of “Champion”.

It’s not that I’m sweeping dirt under the carpet. It’s just that prior to my separation from “Ragna” I undertook a major asepsis of ‘me’. I have to admit it was a masochistic way to process the incredibly painful emotions of separation. But it’s what worked for me at that time.

So now, it would be useless for me to revisit that chapter in my life. I have plenty of other experiences that I can take through the 3-step process.

There! If “Champion” were ever to ask me why I have taken such an unprecedented interest in him, in so little time, and with little knowledge about who he really is…I can explain to him that I am using the simple 3-step process, or a distant relative of it.

Who do I think I’m fooling? At best, this explains only part of the reason.

I’ve met other people, and they didn’t turn out to be a temporary fixation.

What could it be then?


Dispersion and subsequent recollection

Lately, I’ve been feeling like a bag of sand being slowly emptied right in front of a powerful mega fan. The “bag” which was once effectively keeping a faux, semi-solid shape to the fine sand is gradually withering away and becoming…lean…or…emaciated.

I am the bag. I am the interwoven fibers. I am every microscopic grain of sand. I am the wind.

Am I working for or against myself?

I am the villain, the heroine, and the passive voyeur.

The grains had always been translucent in their voluble “bag” shape. Each grain with its own conscience.

The wind is ferocious while exerting its gentle force.

The bag, as a group of fibers, well…a very corrosive and protective opaque, resembling a 19th century burlap sack.

On a closer examination, each fiber is very strong, but not very elastic, with a smooth golden quality to it. They work in unison to provide a clautrophobically safe environment for my countless self.

Can one simultaneously feel scattered and precipitated?

Sometimes I wonder if this is sheer madness or the quintessencial enlightenment.

I have found that crying helps palliate this asphyxiating knot in my throat.

I need a cure.


And the fortune cookie of the week is…

Why should I continute to read Stephen King’s “On Writing” after these words of wisdom?

Reading it gave me a déjà vu feeling.

On a second thought…I think I’ll continue to read the book. It’s not like fortune cookies are really based on concrete science, right? Or is it? 🙂


Oh dear blog…How I’ve missed you…

I owe you a few posts, but life has really managed to get in the way…lots of travelling…which means…lots of juicy stories! tsk tsk tsk

If not tonight, I will certainly be back here tomorrow to keyboard away my adventures.

Oh my dear blog!