Monthly Archives: September 2012

The e-mail that never got sent

Hi,

Ok…I must admit I’m a bit drunk right now…all the Colorado micro brews must have got to me. Yikes!

<name>, you may choose to answer this e-mail or not. But I’d welcome any insight you may have.

I will to be as succinct as possible. Good luck with that! 🙂

I’m puzzled and hoping you will help untangle some of my confusion. I am asking you and very, very few others. Why you? Because you are honest and to the point! No BS’ing. I truly appreciate that.

So, it’s been almost one year since I broke a 7-year relationship. I won’t lie to you, it’s been fun being single, but also very perplexing. I didn’t realize people were as “detached” and “facebook meet social network” disposable as they are. (I shouldn’t generalize…but it’s so much easier and I apologize in advance.)

Please help me understand, from a guy’s perspective, what is going on?

I can explain part of it. From a woman’s perspective, the whole “feminist” movement, which initially was mostly a benevolent step toward gender equality, has somewhat derailed into our currrent modern hodgepodge of gilrs, young girls and women going “balls to the walls” crazy! 🙂 Ok, I’m exaggerating…but you get the picture. We feel independent to the point of alienating the opposite sex. Less than ideal for perpetuation of our species! 🙂

Ok! I’m a bit slow, but I’m catching up…but I don’t want to.

Instead, I’m polling!

Close to none of my friends have the courage to ask such a question. However, I don’t really care. I know me…

Would you kindly walk me through what happened that made you step away from me? Was it really just the fact that you wanted to “sleep around” or was it something else? I’d really love to understand…. 🙂 and I’m serious! I know it sounds crazy, but I’m such a little kid when it comes to curiosity. Be as brutally honest as you can be.

I want to know if there’s a trend. I want to understand. Because right now…well…I am speechless. Yes, me! Not a word to share.

Ok, that’s it…so much for my cockiness…

Sassi the Spider


It suddenly hit me! Almost one year later

My brain has F I N A L L Y registered it!

What an arrogant idiot I have been all this time!

A coward idiot maybe!

Or just a very emotionally exhausted soul in disbelief!

I just realized that my ex-boyfriend of seven years not only astrayed through the passionate pulse of our youthful relationship, but during the ungraceful aging, and to its sepulchre.

Wait! I didn’t just realize it! I have always known this but somehow managed to dress it up with an invisible cloak since our separation last year.

Who needs to intellectualize the absolutely unreasonable? After spending the first six years, 11 months and 27 days attempting to do that, I decided to leave that project unfinished. Because…well…there is no explanation.

For some unknown reason (or maybe a monthly hormonal one), I have finally let my brain register the fact that my ex (Ragna) was already “dating” the woman who he is currently dating since “separation date + 1 day”… or more like “separation date + (-) 1 month (?)”.

I think it’s kinda douchy! Don’t ya?!

Shit! I need to be mad! I need to be angry!

These days, I only allow myself to rarely be mad and/or angry. I really don’t know how to be mad at somebody who can’t figure things out. Somebody who is so utterly confused that he/she cannot see the obvious. That is screaming evidence of that person’s own self-decay.

But…but…how ironic and almost enraging is it that somebody whose emotional state is that voluble is in a relationship? That remains to be answered. I won’t wast my time researching further into it…but if you do…please do share your insights.

I need to listen to my friends and act like a normal person. I need to be mad. I need to stop being so diplomatic, understanding and all-embracing of human suffering!

I’m trying. I’m tensing all my muscles right now. I’m forcefully frowning my face right now…

All this flexing is only making my lactic acid accumulate…Well…I have to admit…I am relieved.

Thank you to positive thinking!

Good night!


A forced smile…

Yes, it’s “one of those days”, so don’t expect a very pink entry.

I’ve spent the past two days obsessively going over the reasons why I am/should be happy. But after every thinking compulsion I realized that this pattern happens EVERY month, which means that the conclusion is always a cheerless one.

I feel so useless! I feel like I need to work harder! I feel like I am screwing up somehow! I feel stupid! I am doubting myself! I am my worst critic!

It’s so bad that I become completely blind and deaf to the obvious feedback I’m receiving from my environment. I dimiss them all as charitable gestures. And then I sink deeper into my “hormonal agony” realizing how cynical and ungrateful a response that is.

OH MY! There are so many thoughts, plans, pains, fears, imperfections, that I completely disconnect, only to be criticized as distant.

What is going on inside me? What is going on around me?

I have decided to go back to being the old “sassi” I have always been. You see, there are very few things in your life that you can control. Oh…and  I’ve dedicated my life to shining in those controllable things. Let’s bring some context to this. I think that doing well in your academic or professional life is something that you can control. You work hard and devote yourself to your goals, and most certainly you will achieve them.

This has got me in some trouble. I’ve spent too much time in those areas and feel like I never quite allowed myself to truly experience the uncontrollable. LOVE that is.

I am not an automaton! I am very capable of loving and, in fact, I currently love and have loved. My issue lies in the fact, that after having observed that loving another human being is so unpredictable and uncontrollable, I have become overly cautious. I’m pretty sure that guarding your feelings or being cynical are the antithesis of love.

The helpless sensation that comes from loving somebody and not having any idea what that person is feeling is so disconcerting. We have all been there. Moments of ultimate devotion and love that turn out to be big deceptions. And I’m not only talking about romantic relationships.

I’ve been discouraged by the way people are relating to one another these days. Everything seems so temporary, dissolvable, detached…I shouldn’t generalize, but with your permission, please allow my hormones to do the writing tonight.

You may now go to bed. Mine is staring at me right now and I just can’t…can’t…

 


I still have a pulse….!

Hello there!

I am breathing! Barely at this point…

Minor disclaimer: I am beyond drunk right now!

I crossed one thing off my list today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I TOOK THE GRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I DID WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To my surprise I did better on the verbal component! Why am I saying that? Well….English is not my native language! And Math usually is my strength!

Now! On to my applications!

I have so much to get done! This is the muscle of my pursuit! Now that I’ve managed, hopefully, to get people’s “attention” with yet another standardized test, I really hope that I can showcase TRULY what I am all about!

I have about 2 1/2 months to go! Get recommendation letters! Update my CV! And write the IMFAMOUS STATEMENTS OF PURPOSE!

Right now I am ecstatic! That is…if I can spell…(I’ve had to go “backspace” a few times to correct what I’m writing!)

You see…I gave myself ONLY 5 weeks to study and prepare for the GRE. No! No! I couldn’t have done it in “normal” people time…let’s say 3 months…i had to do it “sassi’s” time…WARP speed!

Come on! If you’re applying for PhD programs, I belive that the GRE should only be a very minimal part of the “indicators” that you are a strong candidate! Right? Am it correct in this assumption? I sure hope so!

I have truly honorable intentions and motivations for pursuing a PhD! I actually give a shit about people and I want to help as many of “these people” as I can! I also have a very strong background of “helping” people through my profession. So I’m sure hoping this will make a difference in my application process.

All I can say is that I’m happy! I am optimistic about where I’m “headed to”…I really hope to get into the programs I’m applying for.

And when I do…I will devote myself to making health care policy work for the people while still adressing the issue of skyrocketing healthcare costs!

IT IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please Harvard, MIT, BU, Brandeis, UMASS, Tufts and Brown, PLEASE WELCOME ME INTO YOUR PROGRAMS! I will not disappoint you!

Sassi the Spider

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Bloggy…Bloggy!!!

I have been so distant…I know!

I am not ignoring you! I promise!

Will be back soon with lots of stories!

Sassi —> your eternal friend!