Monthly Archives: May 2012

The unlikely angel – Part Trois

I’m trying to put my thoughts in order for the sake of clarity. I also have you, yeah YOU, the reader, in mind. But in this process, I still feel the need to document some of the thought processes behind my explanation of my unlikely angel.

This has sparked a bigger question about all the unlikely angels that have come across my life, which were not many. Why did they have, or continue to have, such a great impact in my life? What differentiates them from human beings who had a pallid presence in my life? Why do they resonate with me so much? And why, why is it that they all seem to have shown up at just the right moment? Could it all be a mere coincidence? Wishful thinking?

For now, I need to keep this one entry about the unlikely angel that brought me to this keyboard. I have always, in one way or another, written about these people who passively exerted their uncanny powers over my mind and soul. It has almost always geared me towards a positive self-englightenment, no matter how painful or pleasant the ride was.

My very own “Champion” (if you’re confused, you can read the two previous entries), has managed to sustain a powerful effect over my psyche. He has managed to, unknowingly and unwillingly I must admit, help me dig up things about myself that I thought I had dealt with already. He’s displayed a very fundamental understanding around concepts that I thought had been long lost in this disposable fucking world we reside in today. But fundamentals that I hold to dearly inside of me, thinking it was just too idealistic to be true. He’s shown me without much effort how to revert some of the torment I have been putting myself through almost unncessarily.

(I’m using “he” because linguistics is seriously getting in the way here…the word “angel” is a masculine word in Portuguese.)

I’ve been experiencing it as an orderly chaos. It’s perplexing and sometimes paralyzing. It’s also generating enough emotional momentum to play with. But then again…are these just qualities that define me which have nothing to do with this person’s ephemeral passage through my life?

I will give more details of how this latest angelical appearance in my life has catapulted me into some uncharted territories within my infinite self.


The unlikely angel…continued…but not complete!

Again, I’m still up too late at night when I really shouldn’t! But I just wanted to get the ball rolling on this one.

For some reason, when I think of my shiny angel, I immediately associate him/her/it with the following cartoon character. This is free association at its best!

Have you ever seen the movie “Les Triplettes de Belleville”? If you haven’t you should really make a point to watch it! It’s awesome and somewhat twisted!

This character is called “Champion”.

“My” angel reminds me of “Champion” for some very strange reason. It has nothing to do with the droopy semblance or the arched posture. To the contrary, the angel has a rather statuesque posture and aristocratic composure. But the image of this cartoon keeps visiting my subconscious when I think about him/her/it.

It must be the inherent strength and determination of the character, coupled with a certain melancholy and strong family ties. Humm…I don’t even know if that’s what it is…I guess you need to watch the movie!

I will expand on the angel’s role in my life very soon.

The very unlikely angel…

It’s 1:05am right now and I have to get up bright and early to drive to Albany, NY for a meeting filled week. Oh the joys of trying to build collaborations across a vast region!

However, I’ll try to make it a point to remind myself to write about a very unlikely celestial being that crossed my path about five months ago. I think I meant terrestrial. He/she/it is probably completely unware of his/her/its role in my life. I’m feeling the positive ramifications of this encounter and I feel the urge to write about it.

Very few things in my life have sparked such impulse and sustained momentum of creativity, so I think it’s worth talking about it here, as this is my only outlet for such thoughts.

Stay in tune!

I can be a clown too! Believe me! Please?!

I need to inject some entertaining and mildly ludicrous posts in my otherwise sober blog. After all, they all converge to the same point.

In the above picture, I think I may have teen trying to reach both sides of the road with my long elastic legs! Let’s not forget I’m an adult and most of the people who saw me attempt this BOLD move 🙂 probably thought I was a little…humm…crazy?!

I also do this thing, where I will reach for one of my feet and pull it all the way up to my head in a very ungraceful move.

Or, I may grab my foot while putting the opposite hand on my head, and attempt a very nerdy dance, where I thrust my whole body to the front and then to the back, while curving in the middle and completly annihilating any traces of a gluteous mass!

Sexy huh?

Maybe not, but definitely entertaining to watch!

Purple prose and Stephen King

As I try to find my style as a novice writer, I have been doing a lot of research.

I came across the book that Stephen King wrote “On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft” that may change my writing style from here on out. Unfortunatly, I was able to identify my current writing style with many of his examples of poorly written stories. I especially liked his explanation behind why being too descriptive through the use of unnecessary adverbs is crippling to your story. It also assumes that the reader does not possess his or her own mind.

Please accept my apologies. The initial purpose of this blog was to serve as an outlet for my rawest emotions and fears as I try to figure out where I fit in this life. So I may have exaggerated on the details here and there. Still worth reading though, as they represent my bare stream of consciousness.

Nevertheless, through this reading, I feel confident that I possess the fundamentals to continue on this journey “A little talent is a good thing to have if you want to be a writer. But the only real requirement is the ability to remember every scar.” (Stephen King).

I will continue to perfect the technique and style, but I’m relieved that the germinal talent exists.

So please bear with me as I rid myself of my “purple prose” style of writing.


“In many cases when a reader puts a story aside because it ‘got boring,’ the boredom arose because the writer grew enchanted with his powers of description and lost sight of his priority, which is to keep the ball rolling.” (Stephen King)

The story continued for 5 years…the guilty destruction!

I was going through my e-mail account and came across some content that still trigger a certain sadness. But when I think about where I am today, I am certain that the lingering questions or nostalgic sadness are harmlessly beneficial. Martyrization will not get you anywhere. Evaluate, assess and dive into the changes…

E-mail written on May 14, 2006

“I did not read what you wrote and I won’t do it.

Whatever it is that you wrote, I agree.

Don’t look for me anymore, don’t write to me anymore, even if it’s to tell me to go to hell. I deserve this and many worse things…I already know it. I really feel for everything I caused and I can now tell how much I like you.

I never betrayed you…NEVER!

I repeat: I was about to make an idiotic mistake but I realized that I was the wrong one and was not able to go through with it. I realized, deep deep inside that you are my world.

I don’t ever want to see you again. I am seriously disappointed in myself, with what I caused…be at ease, I will have horrible thoughts about myself, I will have my own torture, my nightmares, I know what I ALMOST did and deserve to pay the price…You know me and know that I will punish myself. Leave it to me. I know exactly where to find my own hell.

I am finished for you, and you for me. END”

A few weeks earlier, on March 20, 2006. Let’s rewind a bit more…around Halloween time of 2005, Ragna had an abrupt stop to his band when my brother moved to Philadelphia and the band suddenly found itself without a guitar player. In fact, the band was a vocalist and a drummer for several months. Ragna was on the verge of falling into depression.

At the time, I was volunteering as the “band manager” and seeing Ragna borderline depressive moved me to do something about the guitar player situation.

In between my full-time job and part-time volunteer work, I managed to squeeze in more volunteer hours and posted the search for a guitar player every single day. I got really efficient and effective at it too! If anything, I probably developed skills that I was completely unaware I had.

I was able to find a few awesome and interested guitar players, scheduled the auditions and voila! Ragna was able to find a good match out of the 5 guitar players that auditioned.

They practiced for a while, and then I reached out to booking agents around Boston/Cambridge/Somerville to schedule the first gig with band’s new line-up. I also invited enough people to crowd the place.

Ragna was very grateful and thanked me one million times during and after the gig. But he still wrote an e-mail…

“I know that I’ve already thanked you but I always have a feeling that I haven’t thanked enough, so here it goes again.

Thank you for having been the fundamental piece of the puzzle, in bringing the band back to the stage. You know better than anybody what this first gig with the new guitar player meant to me. I am VERY GRATEFUL, REALLY for everything, <my name removed>!!! I see and recognize what you do for me, for the band, for our relationship…for believing so much in me, in my ability and talent. Your support is gigantic, I can feel it in my flesh…it’s so strong that it becomes visible!

Thank you, thank you, thank you…

PS: Remember how important you are, how healthy you are, how perfect you are, and…DON’T SMOKE today. Think like this everyday: I will not smoke today…”

My quick response…after all we had celebrated the first gig extensively the night before…                        

“Oh Honey…

Thank you for everything, too!

You know that your happiness is what motivates me to help you (I know it sounds cheesy to talk like this, but it’s true)…and to also be a ‘pain in your butt’ once in a while!…”

How can one have such short-term memory? How can you go from one extreme to the other in less than 2 months? It beats me…I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with a memory problem and more to do with your upbringing, things you witnessed throughout your life fueled by confusion and unreasonable fears…ultimately making you who you are.

I can say that May 14, 2006 was our very own crossroads, but not the simple ones…the ones that have multiple roads, overpasses, rotaries all converted to that one point…that one day.

We proceeded on what we thought was our best pick, but our lives would NEVER be the same again. Unless there’s some weird science out there that selectively aids in the “unlearning” of stuff. And I would be hesitant to try that anyways!

The first few years after that day were filled with great things apart from the “Ragna/Sassi” experience, but I must admit that I found myself in a very confused, intense and painful place whenever I faced our reality. Those feelings eventually dissolved but what lingered was a persistently silent feeling of guilt from Ragna’s end that worked successfully to corrode what remained of our unstable steel structure.

Today…I can watch the entire thing unfold as if it was a story…and think to myself…”Wow…really?”

Ragna still feels destructively “guilty”…and I know I took my best shot, so my heart and soul are at ease. I hope he can make sense out of this and finally embrace love the next time he is presented with the chance.

As for me…I’ve always been ready to love…well…my own way…

Morula – Blastula – Gastrula and the birth of the ass-kicking heroine!

The conception of a kick-ass dominatrix/spider-serpent-like/nerdy/hopeless romantic/weapon-free and gadget-full heroine is happening right now…

The alter ego is coming to life with its first lines, from inside what I hope looks like a Jules Verne drawing room…ohh….

A girl can dream…a girl can dream…