I was going through my e-mail account and came across some content that still trigger a certain sadness. But when I think about where I am today, I am certain that the lingering questions or nostalgic sadness are harmlessly beneficial. Martyrization will not get you anywhere. Evaluate, assess and dive into the changes…
E-mail written on May 14, 2006
“I did not read what you wrote and I won’t do it.
Whatever it is that you wrote, I agree.
Don’t look for me anymore, don’t write to me anymore, even if it’s to tell me to go to hell. I deserve this and many worse things…I already know it. I really feel for everything I caused and I can now tell how much I like you.
I never betrayed you…NEVER!
I repeat: I was about to make an idiotic mistake but I realized that I was the wrong one and was not able to go through with it. I realized, deep deep inside that you are my world.
I don’t ever want to see you again. I am seriously disappointed in myself, with what I caused…be at ease, I will have horrible thoughts about myself, I will have my own torture, my nightmares, I know what I ALMOST did and deserve to pay the price…You know me and know that I will punish myself. Leave it to me. I know exactly where to find my own hell.
I am finished for you, and you for me. END”
A few weeks earlier, on March 20, 2006. Let’s rewind a bit more…around Halloween time of 2005, Ragna had an abrupt stop to his band when my brother moved to Philadelphia and the band suddenly found itself without a guitar player. In fact, the band was a vocalist and a drummer for several months. Ragna was on the verge of falling into depression.
At the time, I was volunteering as the “band manager” and seeing Ragna borderline depressive moved me to do something about the guitar player situation.
In between my full-time job and part-time volunteer work, I managed to squeeze in more volunteer hours and posted the search for a guitar player every single day. I got really efficient and effective at it too! If anything, I probably developed skills that I was completely unaware I had.
I was able to find a few awesome and interested guitar players, scheduled the auditions and voila! Ragna was able to find a good match out of the 5 guitar players that auditioned.
They practiced for a while, and then I reached out to booking agents around Boston/Cambridge/Somerville to schedule the first gig with band’s new line-up. I also invited enough people to crowd the place.
Ragna was very grateful and thanked me one million times during and after the gig. But he still wrote an e-mail…
“I know that I’ve already thanked you but I always have a feeling that I haven’t thanked enough, so here it goes again.
Thank you for having been the fundamental piece of the puzzle, in bringing the band back to the stage. You know better than anybody what this first gig with the new guitar player meant to me. I am VERY GRATEFUL, REALLY for everything, <my name removed>!!! I see and recognize what you do for me, for the band, for our relationship…for believing so much in me, in my ability and talent. Your support is gigantic, I can feel it in my flesh…it’s so strong that it becomes visible!
Thank you, thank you, thank you…
PS: Remember how important you are, how healthy you are, how perfect you are, and…DON’T SMOKE today. Think like this everyday: I will not smoke today…”
My quick response…after all we had celebrated the first gig extensively the night before…
Thank you for everything, too!
You know that your happiness is what motivates me to help you (I know it sounds cheesy to talk like this, but it’s true)…and to also be a ‘pain in your butt’ once in a while!…”
How can one have such short-term memory? How can you go from one extreme to the other in less than 2 months? It beats me…I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with a memory problem and more to do with your upbringing, things you witnessed throughout your life fueled by confusion and unreasonable fears…ultimately making you who you are.
I can say that May 14, 2006 was our very own crossroads, but not the simple ones…the ones that have multiple roads, overpasses, rotaries all converted to that one point…that one day.
We proceeded on what we thought was our best pick, but our lives would NEVER be the same again. Unless there’s some weird science out there that selectively aids in the “unlearning” of stuff. And I would be hesitant to try that anyways!
The first few years after that day were filled with great things apart from the “Ragna/Sassi” experience, but I must admit that I found myself in a very confused, intense and painful place whenever I faced our reality. Those feelings eventually dissolved but what lingered was a persistently silent feeling of guilt from Ragna’s end that worked successfully to corrode what remained of our unstable steel structure.
Today…I can watch the entire thing unfold as if it was a story…and think to myself…”Wow…really?”
Ragna still feels destructively “guilty”…and I know I took my best shot, so my heart and soul are at ease. I hope he can make sense out of this and finally embrace love the next time he is presented with the chance.
As for me…I’ve always been ready to love…well…my own way…