I really love my male friends. I have a handful of very good ones. At this point they are borderline…are you ready?…I said, are you ready?…Girls!
And if their bodies have not started producing enough estrogen and progesterone yet, I’m sure working very hard to achieve it. Even if it means mechanically injecting sense in these perverse minds. (tsssk tsssk tssssk)
Trust me, each one of them is begging for it. They have elected me to be their dear female friend of confidences and tales of debauchery.
Who said a girl cannot be true friends with a boy? Who said that this co-ed friendship cannot be completely devoid of sexual attraction?
Here is a very quick story of how these friendships began and continue very strong to this day.
Boy #1 – I met him in high school, over 18 years ago. He first thought he was in love with my sister. Then he thought he was in love with me. He supported us in very difficult times. He also witnessed me COMPLETELY drunk and; therefore, highly sexually suggestible on two occasions. He chose the unlikely, but honorable path —> he let me go unfucked. SCORE to you! We are very close friends to this day and support each other in countless ways.
Boy #2 – I met him about 12 years ago. I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time. We flirted. We dated. We had sex. Then we didn’t want to have sex anymore. Then we became very close friends. I always refer to him as my “other” brother. The similarities are uncanny at times. Then we had a drunken lapse in judgement and had sex once more. We talked about it, and continued on the path of friendship. He’s dated one of my closest friends, was a complete asshole to her, and then left her for another woman. My friend dropped me like a bag of crap when I went to his wedding. He shares a lot of interesting unnecessary details with me about his sexual adventures. This was before, during and after he married. So wrong! But I’m using every skill that I have to straighten out this man. I love him as a friend…but let’s just say I would never date him! But I love him dearly!
Boy #3 – I met him about six years ago. We collaborated on some awesome youth projects. He is a very talented musician who also happens to be very socially active. We also share a lot of common traits. I can say that Boy #2 and Boy #3 were love and friendship at first sight. One of those things you just can’t explain. He has a beautiful soul with his contagious charisma, idealism, and intelligence. He is so HANDSOME, with his olive skin, and green eyes, and very white teeth. Does this sound like I am or was at some point infatuated with percussionist guy? Yes I was! I’m a sucker for intelligence combined with idealism and follow through (the image of a silly girl fluttering her exaggerated eyelashes with her hands under the chin come to mind). I overcame that powerful feeling in a few months. What was left was a pretty awesome friendship. Yes, he’s tried to get “funny” with me. Yes, I’ve tried to get “funny” with him (uh huh…I may have been saturated with some alcohol…) We have managed to not have sex. He, like boy #2, provides traumatizing details of his depravity. He, like boy #2, is also married. He, like boy #2, had sex with my friend…yes, the psycho one who dated boy #2 and fiercely unfriended me. Boy #3 was her vengeance sex. Boys #2 and #3 have never met each other. Boy #3 is a very good listener and actually gives me useful and honest feedback.
Boy #4 – We were roommates at one point. Pretty cool dude. Very intelligent too. Very sweet. He’s now married and a father. Believe it or not, he is not cheating on his wife. SCORE! By the way…Boy #1 is also not cheating on his wife. Boy #4 and I became very good friends. One night, we were at a rock show with a local band. As always, I was hanging with six other boys, one of them was my boyfriend at the time (“Ragna” for those of you who read other posts.) At one point, they were all having their testosterone-filled conversations while completely ignoring my femininity, or rather, including me in the dialogue as if I were part of that “inner circle”. I stopped and said (as I sipped my imperial stout) “Hey guys…come on! I’m here! And I’m a girl!” To which Boy #4 replied “Come on Sassi, you are like one of us…one of the boys!” Shute! To this day, I’m trying to figure out if he called me a manly woman…or a just a very cool and hot chick! I think the latter is a much better fit. No! We never had sex.
More recently I have Boys #6, #7, and #8.
#6 – We dated, we had sex, and we’re friends now. Extremely quirky and intelligent guy, which I LOVE. He’s the kind who is somewhat socially inept. He doesn’t understand why people engage in “small talk”. He was also the first guy I ever had sex with who said, verbatim, “Let’s go to my bed now, I want to fuck the bejesus out of you.” This was after I made an unsuccessful attempt to lure him to show me some love on this kitchen table. I wasn’t sure what to react to first. What he had just said, or the fact that a 30-something year old man would not just do me passionately all over his house. What was the fixation with just doing it on his bed?! 🙂 In his defense, he is really sweet in his quirky way. He’s also extremely decent and a gentleman. So I added him to my male friend list.
Boys #7 and #8 – I still don’t know what’s going to happen with these ones. However, I’m pretty sure that Boy #7 is either homosexual or bisexual. AND THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH IT AT ALL. What puzzles me is that I think he believes he likes me and wants to date me…hummm…Let the story unfold. Boy #8 is AWESOME. But that’s all I can say right now.
As for me…it’s almost like a love/hate relationship with all my boys. I love them as friends…but sometimes I just want to polverize them with my evil laser eyes or finish them with a video game-like karate death strike.
Why are some of them so sleazy with their wives AND the women they go after? Have I not spent years of my life trying to instill some infinitesimally small sense in their fuckin’ heads?
I’m giving up! That’s it! No, I’m not! Yes, I am!
On my next post, I will share one recent story with Boy #2 that gives me some hope that 0.00000001% of what I say to these men actually sticks in their mind. My strategic use of subliminal messages during our casual conversations work as silent bombs in their heads. Mwwwaaaaahhhhh Mwaaaahhhhhh Yes, it takes a while, but it works. I plan to stick around. They’re all pretty cool humans.
The story is about three CRAZY days of too much partying in San Diego that Boy #2 and I shared last week.