Monthly Archives: August 2012

Ragna’s NOT MINE…but what a presage…

To prove my point that coincidences do not exist.

Something written years ago…before our “Desire”…


“It scared me when I saw her

She was naked
In the corner of the room
She was writing in the dark
She was crazy
She was different

What I could do I did, gave her more blank sheets
I saw when the room started moving
It started moving and from the shelves
The dreams fell

Dreams, always dreams – Desire
Drawers couldn’t resist – Desire
They spit on the wall of the room – Desire
Nothing worked so well – Desire

The room moving, the dreams falling
Drawers spitting, she was naked
She was writing, in the dark
She was crazy, she was different

What I could do I did, held her so she would stay
Where she was
When the room stopped we were dizzy

When the room stopped we were dizzy

I picked up the paper spread across the floor
I picked up the dreams spread across the floor

Even though a piece of paper remained
There was a dream on top of it
An old desire but yet alive
And so what I could do I did

I stayed with her naked in the corner of the room
Writing in the dark
I was crazy, naked,
Different, writing…
I was with her and it”

– Ragna

Reposted by Sassi the Spider


And he looked down for a split second…

There we were, face to face. As always, I stared as deep as I could. I remained silent, just observing the cues. When I least expected it, he started to angle down his head and away his eyes went.

The very simple and almost undetectable moment left me perplexed and morbidly curious. What had happened? What made him look away exactly when he knew I was diving in?

I think I owe to you [the reader] some background on this story. There is actually not much of a background. The history involves two encounters, which together, add up to just under two hours of intense dialogue and a very uncanny, almost spiritual, connection. What was described in the first two lines was in fact our second exchange. We have since managed to live stealthily in each other’s radar. Otherwise, it’s been replete with what seems to be mutual deliberation on how not to stare into each other’s eyes again.

Love at first sight? Nah! That’s absolute collective mediocrity. Yes, I am cynical…but there’s no such thing as that.

What is it then?

I have written a series of posts here where I describe how I experience first encounters with the “brand new”. I am increasingly more curious and studious of these experiences. What composes the affinities, or lack thereof, leading to relationships and experiences that are ephemeral, neutral, negative, long lasting, and ultimately, transcendental in nature?

There are no coincidences in life. Absolutely none! If you’re breathing today, you’re supposed to be doing something now that will change the course of history in your surroundings and beyond…forever. Yes, we are that powerful. It’s really a matter of perspective.

Continuing on the same reasoning, there is a reason why you meet the people you meet. Even in the absence of satisfactory understanding or absolute oblivion, one should quickly realize that every encounter, word, breath, tear, laughter, is a piece of that elusive bigger puzzle.

When you set a course, articulate it, and labor it, it is with great certainty that things will either conspire for or against your course. The paradox in outcome stems from your most fundamental motivations for setting sail on that course. Some of which still lie in the unconscious and are too stubborn to come to the surface. In plain terms, if your motivation is based on constructive and well-intentioned impetus, then it’s safe to say that the word conspire will be followed by “for you”. Conversely, if your catapult was built from molding wood and rusted iron, a natural companion for “conspire” would very likely be AGAINST.

Always be vigilant of your physical(less) insides. Talk to them. Caress them from time to time. Kick their asses when needed. Perform an occasional cathartic asepsis. But please never become aseptic! We all need some of that fungus, some of that oxidation.

How did I get here from my two first lines?

He and I experienced, or are experiencing, something that simply does not happen everyday. We actually listened. We genuinely talked. We intently used our eyes to observe. We used our sense of touch to feel our body(less) insides. So awesomely sublime.

Yet we continue to remain stealth.

My attraction to testosterone-pumped friendships

I really love my male friends. I have a handful of very good ones. At this point they are borderline…are you ready?…I said, are you ready?…Girls!

And if their bodies have not started producing enough estrogen and progesterone yet, I’m sure working very hard to achieve it. Even if it means mechanically injecting sense in these perverse minds. (tsssk tsssk tssssk)

Trust me, each one of them is begging for it. They have elected me to be their dear female friend of confidences and tales of debauchery.

Who said a girl cannot be true friends with a boy? Who said that this co-ed friendship cannot be completely devoid of sexual attraction?

Here is a very quick story of how these friendships began and continue very strong to this day.

Boy #1 – I met him in high school, over 18 years ago. He first thought he was in love with my sister. Then he thought he was in love with me. He supported us in very difficult times. He also witnessed me COMPLETELY drunk and; therefore, highly sexually suggestible on two occasions. He chose the unlikely, but honorable path —> he let me go unfucked. SCORE to you! We are very close friends to this day and support each other in countless ways.

Boy #2 – I met him about 12 years ago. I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time. We flirted. We dated. We had sex. Then we didn’t want to have sex anymore. Then we became very close friends. I always refer to him as my “other” brother. The similarities are uncanny at times. Then we had a drunken lapse in judgement and had sex once more. We talked about it, and continued on the path of friendship. He’s dated one of my closest friends, was a complete asshole to her, and then left her for another woman. My friend dropped me like a bag of crap when I went to his wedding. He shares a lot of interesting unnecessary details with me about his sexual adventures. This was before, during and after he married. So wrong! But I’m using every skill that I have to straighten out this man. I love him as a friend…but let’s just say I would never date him! But I love him dearly!

Boy #3 – I met him about six years ago. We collaborated on some awesome youth projects. He is a very talented musician who also happens to be very socially active. We also share a lot of common traits. I can say that Boy #2 and Boy #3 were love and friendship at first sight. One of those things you just can’t explain. He has a beautiful soul with his contagious charisma, idealism, and intelligence. He is so HANDSOME, with his olive skin, and green eyes, and very white teeth. Does this sound like I am or was at some point infatuated with percussionist guy? Yes I was! I’m a sucker for intelligence combined with idealism and follow through (the image of a silly girl fluttering her exaggerated eyelashes with her hands under the chin come to mind). I overcame that powerful feeling in a few months. What was left was a pretty awesome friendship. Yes, he’s tried to get “funny” with me. Yes, I’ve tried to get “funny” with him (uh huh…I may have been saturated with some alcohol…) We have managed to not have sex. He, like boy #2, provides traumatizing details of his depravity. He, like boy #2, is also married. He, like boy #2, had sex with my friend…yes, the psycho one who dated boy #2 and fiercely unfriended me. Boy #3 was her vengeance sex. Boys #2 and #3 have never met each other. Boy #3 is a very good listener and actually gives me useful and honest feedback.

Boy #4 – We were roommates at one point. Pretty cool dude. Very intelligent too. Very sweet. He’s now married and a father. Believe it or not, he is not cheating on his wife. SCORE! By the way…Boy #1 is also not cheating on his wife. Boy #4 and I became very good friends. One night, we were at a rock show with a local band. As always, I was hanging with six other boys, one of them was my boyfriend at the time (“Ragna” for those of you who read other posts.) At one point, they were all having their testosterone-filled conversations while completely ignoring my femininity, or rather, including me in the dialogue as if I were part of that “inner circle”. I stopped and said (as I sipped my imperial stout) “Hey guys…come on! I’m here! And I’m a girl!” To which Boy #4 replied “Come on Sassi, you are like one of us…one of the boys!” Shute! To this day, I’m trying to figure out if he called me a manly woman…or a just a very cool and hot chick! I think the latter is a much better fit. No! We never had sex.

More recently I have Boys #6, #7, and #8.

#6 – We dated, we had sex, and we’re friends now. Extremely quirky and intelligent guy, which I LOVE. He’s the kind who is somewhat socially inept. He doesn’t understand why people engage in “small talk”. He was also the first guy I ever had sex with who said, verbatim, “Let’s go to my bed now, I want to fuck the bejesus out of you.” This was after I made an unsuccessful attempt to lure him to show me some love on this kitchen table. I wasn’t sure what to react to first. What he had just said, or the fact that a 30-something year old man would not just do me passionately all over his house. What was the fixation with just doing it on his bed?! 🙂 In his defense, he is really sweet in his quirky way. He’s also extremely decent and a gentleman. So I added him to my male friend list.

Boys #7 and #8 – I still don’t know what’s going to happen with these ones. However, I’m pretty sure that Boy #7 is either homosexual or bisexual. AND THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH IT AT ALL. What puzzles me is that I think he believes he likes me and wants to date me…hummm…Let the story unfold. Boy #8 is AWESOME. But that’s all I can say right now.

As for me…it’s almost like a love/hate relationship with all my boys. I love them as friends…but sometimes I just want to polverize them with my evil laser eyes or finish them with a video game-like karate death strike.

Why are some of them so sleazy with their wives AND the women they go after? Have I not spent years of my life trying to instill some infinitesimally small sense in their fuckin’ heads?

I’m giving up! That’s it! No, I’m not! Yes, I am!

On my next post, I will share one recent story with Boy #2 that gives me some hope that 0.00000001% of what I say to these men actually sticks in their mind. My strategic use of subliminal messages during our casual conversations work as silent bombs in their heads. Mwwwaaaaahhhhh Mwaaaahhhhhh Yes, it takes a while, but it works. I plan to stick around. They’re all pretty cool humans.

The story is about three CRAZY days of too much partying in San Diego that Boy #2 and I shared last week.

Stay tuned!