Fuck YOU – no Fuck ME – wait what?

What the fuck!?

I am having a temporary anger fit! So fuckin’ what? I am human!

What a horrible experience! I keep thinking to myself “I have NEVER met anybody like this…and I don’t mean it in a good way!” What a shitty thing it is.

I am mostly angry and disappointed at myself.

Nothing was learned from this experience…well…it was a very brief experience with no deep impact, but still shitty and unnecessary. Especially, because it was supposed to be a “going back to school to get my PhD, and go through a major life transition” relaxing and fun vacation. That is what bothers me the most about it.

What happened you miserable, selfish, narcissistic, piece of shit motherfucker? Why in this world would you fuck this up for me? I think it is unfair.

I tried my best to alleviate any stupid/childish/fearful idea you had in your head that I thought we could have something more just because we were traveling together.

I tried relieving the pussy-ish sense of pressure that this trip could be causing you in relation to a potential relationship. So, in my mind, there are NO EXCUSES for your continued less-than-ideal behavior.

I told you: “Hey, did you think I was looking for a long term relationship? I am moving to CO? So…no! Let’s just relax and have fun!”.

Also “I’ve always been great at being friends with men. So let’s just hang out. As friends. Really! I do it all the time.”

Not to mention, my attempts at showing I was actually ok.

So FUCK YOU. You BIG FUCKING SPOILED CHILD.

Ok!

Vent over!

Some good things about this experience:

1- I am starting to think and potentially plan my “around the world” trip, where I will attempt to cover 15 countries in most continents. I will plan on finishing my course work for my PhD, passing the examinations, become a PhD candidate, and then heading off for what I think will be a beautiful, life-changing experience. I want to volunteer for people in need in each of these locations (TBD), and live in their shelter and eat with them, and HELP them as much as I can, and allow them to HELP me.

I say this is a good thing coming out of this experience, because the troubled guy is the one who told me about this “around the world” program with airlines. So thank you for that.

2- I took at chance! I went to a place, not close to home, with a complete stranger, who I thought at the time was at least fun to hang out with. It completely sucked. Our experience together was horrible, but Mallorca itself is an amazing place.

3- I put in practice a lot of the things I’ve been working on. I’d say I have made some major progress in “self-contemplation and transformation”. I am happy about it. I am proud of myself. It’s still a work in progress, but I will give myself credit.

It doesn’t mean that I wasn’t “temporarily” hurt, or angry, or disappointed…but it’s the certainty that I feel for having done the right thing despite his best attempts to break me day in and day out. It’s my ability to discern what is his CRAP and what is my CRAP. It’s not taking his direct and indirect offenses personally. It’s understanding that everyone struggles. I certainly do as well. The difference is whether you’re choosing to deal with it or not, or if you just project your BULLSHIT onto people and hurt them…and hurt yourself.

4- It’s in the fact that I keep trying, despite the adversities I’ve encountered (read…shitty men. No….not shitty…just troubled and hurtful).

I’m sure there is more to come out, but this is it for now.

Sassi the Spider (aka <words by the fucked up boy she just met and is done with> The Hot Brazilian Girl) —> Hummm….yeah! Why don’t you fuck yourself!?

Church bells…not wedding bells :-)

The chiming…so soothing…

Embarrassing snores…

The confession…

The caressing…and attempt at physical approximation, with tender kisses.

Then? The pivotal moment!

“Weren’t you just snoring, like, two seconds ago?”

Have I been here before?

Every atom of my body ached. Deeply.

They were pushed into a chaotic motion

Further pushing me into a fleeting moment of deception.

Unbearable!

I wanted to cry

I wanted to say things

I wanted to understand

So, I just got up, poured myself some fermented local grape juice

There was also the music

And then it hit my consciousness

Ouch! What the fuck is this?

What, in this shitty moment just happened?

Utterly unnecessary and childish handling of circumstances

Horrible choice of words.

This is not on me. Without a doubt.

I made my decision at that very moment of clarity!

This is it! I have been working on this for quite a while now.

Put it in practice.

Own your emotions! And suck it the fuck up!

Let him deal with his own!

No attempt at dissecting the complexities of other human experiences and their baggage

Especially when there is not much material to dissect

No words, no feedback, no gestures

Just rushing out of cars and walking…while I try to catch up

Walking into doors as they slam shut on my face, while carrying climbing backpacks

And then…he comes…

Said something I couldn’t hear with all that eardrum damaging music

I pulled one ear piece off, and then I heard…

“Do you want to talk about what just happened?”

Humm…yes, I want to fuckin’ talk about what just happened! You motherfuckin’ childish selfish idiot! <humanly angry, but silent thought to myself>

Instead, there was a culmination of everything I have been working on myself for the past few years…

<Deep silent soul breath>

A full realization that some of what I was feeling was ON me, and on me only to deal with.

With the simultaneous realization that he is unprepared for me.

It has nothing to do with not wanting to have sex with me. Not desiring me. <for as shitty as it feels to be on the receiving end of it>

More to do with his behavior and projection to the world.

A projection that is fundamentally dissonant from his true self.

He is a good guy…really…but trying too hard to his own demise.

Show yourself man! It’s completely alright! You’re good!

Good enough anyways…after all, aren’t we all just good enough?

I said: “There’s not much to talk about…right?

…I wanted to have sex with you, you didn’t want to have sex with me…I got up, grabbed some wine, my iPod, and am here…

Music soothes me…

You are the one who came here to talk. You must have something to say.”

He said: “I have something to say, but I am not sure what it is yet.”

Sassi: “That seems to happen a lot. I’m not surprised.”

Silence

More silence

Sassi: “Ok, if you are not going to say anything I will put my earphones back on and listen to music. I am not kidding. I think it’s rude to do it, which is why I am sharing it with you.”

Lashes: “It’s not rude, it’s ok. I will talk, after I roll this cigarette, put my pants and jacket on. <Lashes came out in his boxers only, and it was a chilly night>”

Sassi: “It’s rude. I don’t like being rude to people. In fact, I try my best to be as nice as I can to people. ALL THE TIME. TO A FAULT! If there’s somebody you can talk to, who will be completely non-judgmental about whatever…well…that’s me. Even though you seem to think I’m very judgmental.

Listen Lashes, you and I have known each other for just a few weeks. You could not possibly have that much of an impact on me. What were you expecting? For me to be mad at you right now? I’m fine really. It happens…it’s ok. You should know I am quite happy being on my own. Dangerously happy, that is. So, I’ll be fine.

All I know is that I’m in Mallorca, I’m having fun. I’ll be here for another week, and then I go back to Boston. I don’t want this to be a big deal. AT ALL. I feel bad because I know you like traveling, relaxing…so I hope this doesn’t change that for you. I want you to have relaxing fun. Let’s just hang out. Seriously.”

Lashes: <replying to my comment on the impossibility of him having so much of an impact on me> Well, I could have an impact on you…it’s possible. I was expecting you to be a bit mad at me…yes.”

Sassi: “No, I am telling you, you don’t have that much of an impact on me. I know how I feel. I am responsible for how I feel, and only how I feel. You are responsible for how you feel. I am truly not mad at you. Why would I be?”

<more silence. Lashes finishes rolling his cigarette. Puts his pants and jacket on. Comes back out. And is still silent>

Sassi: “Ok, Lashes, you have rolled your cigarette, you are fully dressed, now…TALK!”

Lashes: <very paused speech> “Well…You put a lot of words in my mouth. I feel like you respond negatively to everything I try to tell you. You fire back very quickly, every time. I’m not sure if you do it because you’re reacting negatively to what I’m saying, of if you are just trying to incite more conversation. I think we just communicate very poorly.”

Sassi: “Wow…that’s the first time I am hearing this about how I respond in conversation. But I’ll take it. It is your experience with me, and that’s what matters. First of all, I’m sorry if I made you feel this way. It was not my intention. People usually feel quite comfortable talking to me, so I’m not sure what’s happening here. But you’re right, there were a few times that I did it to incite more conversation. You don’t talk a whole lot, and it’s my only way to get to know you a bit more.”

Lashes: “Yes, I feel like I have to qualify and contextualize most of what I tell you. I probably do this more than most people to begin with, but it seems to happen more with you.”

Sassi: “I think a lot too. Just so you know, like you, I also am used to being on my own most of the time. It’s like 90%. No, more like 95% of alone time, and 5% of blahhhhhh. But when I’m hanging out, I don’t think too much before I talk. I’m relaxing. I talk a lot about crap that doesn’t matter. Most of the time, I am not serious. I am only serious when I need to be. These days, I’m more the type that thinks ‘if you like me, you like me…if you don’t, there’s not a whole lot I can do’, so I usually don’t try too hard (i.e.; qualify what I say)…trying too hard is exhausting. I think I’m getting there. It’s a work in progress.”

Lashes: “The brilliance and danger of a bag of rolling tobacco is that you never seem to run out. You just keep rolling the cigarettes. It’s never ending.”

<As I’m struggling to roll a cigarette, in the dark. Lashes offers me the cigarette he just rolled.>

Sassi: “Thanks. I can roll my own. There’s something about the process that I really like.”

<we smoke a few more cigarettes, in silence. I was really hoping for Lashes to say more things, but he didn’t.

Loud trash trucks in the distance>

Lashes: “I guess the music you are listening to, sounds better than the trash trucks.”

Sassi: “Yes, a little bit. Well…Thank you for coming out to talk, or not talk. I didn’t come out here expecting you to follow me. I thought you were just going to pass out. Seriously. But thank you. It helps. Now, go back to sleep!”

Lashes: “I will, but I want to finish this smoke.”

<He finished. Remained silent. Sat there for another while, and then got up. It was a cloudy chilly night. The breeze was very nice.>

Lashes: “So, how are we doing this? Do you want me to sleep on the other bed, are you going back to our bed…”

Sassi: “No…you can go back to the room we were sleeping in before. I will figure something out. Don’t worry.”

And off he went. I listened to more music. Found myself a warm and cozy blanket to wrap myself in, and I saw the sunrise from the deck of our Mallorcan apartment.

The next day…as promised…we hung out without any obvious tension. We climbed for hours and hours, and then had a wonderful steak dinner.