What the fuck!?
I am having a temporary anger fit! So fuckin’ what? I am human!
What a horrible experience! I keep thinking to myself “I have NEVER met anybody like this…and I don’t mean it in a good way!” What a shitty thing it is.
I am mostly angry and disappointed at myself.
Nothing was learned from this experience…well…it was a very brief experience with no deep impact, but still shitty and unnecessary. Especially, because it was supposed to be a “going back to school to get my PhD, and go through a major life transition” relaxing and fun vacation. That is what bothers me the most about it.
What happened you miserable, selfish, narcissistic, piece of shit motherfucker? Why in this world would you fuck this up for me? I think it is unfair.
I tried my best to alleviate any stupid/childish/fearful idea you had in your head that I thought we could have something more just because we were traveling together.
I tried relieving the pussy-ish sense of pressure that this trip could be causing you in relation to a potential relationship. So, in my mind, there are NO EXCUSES for your continued less-than-ideal behavior.
I told you: “Hey, did you think I was looking for a long term relationship? I am moving to CO? So…no! Let’s just relax and have fun!”.
Also “I’ve always been great at being friends with men. So let’s just hang out. As friends. Really! I do it all the time.”
Not to mention, my attempts at showing I was actually ok.
So FUCK YOU. You BIG FUCKING SPOILED CHILD.
Some good things about this experience:
1- I am starting to think and potentially plan my “around the world” trip, where I will attempt to cover 15 countries in most continents. I will plan on finishing my course work for my PhD, passing the examinations, become a PhD candidate, and then heading off for what I think will be a beautiful, life-changing experience. I want to volunteer for people in need in each of these locations (TBD), and live in their shelter and eat with them, and HELP them as much as I can, and allow them to HELP me.
I say this is a good thing coming out of this experience, because the troubled guy is the one who told me about this “around the world” program with airlines. So thank you for that.
2- I took at chance! I went to a place, not close to home, with a complete stranger, who I thought at the time was at least fun to hang out with. It completely sucked. Our experience together was horrible, but Mallorca itself is an amazing place.
3- I put in practice a lot of the things I’ve been working on. I’d say I have made some major progress in “self-contemplation and transformation”. I am happy about it. I am proud of myself. It’s still a work in progress, but I will give myself credit.
It doesn’t mean that I wasn’t “temporarily” hurt, or angry, or disappointed…but it’s the certainty that I feel for having done the right thing despite his best attempts to break me day in and day out. It’s my ability to discern what is his CRAP and what is my CRAP. It’s not taking his direct and indirect offenses personally. It’s understanding that everyone struggles. I certainly do as well. The difference is whether you’re choosing to deal with it or not, or if you just project your BULLSHIT onto people and hurt them…and hurt yourself.
4- It’s in the fact that I keep trying, despite the adversities I’ve encountered (read…shitty men. No….not shitty…just troubled and hurtful).
I’m sure there is more to come out, but this is it for now.
Sassi the Spider (aka <words by the fucked up boy she just met and is done with> The Hot Brazilian Girl) —> Hummm….yeah! Why don’t you fuck yourself!?