Tag Archives: cathartic

Fuck YOU – no Fuck ME – wait what?

What the fuck!?

I am having a temporary anger fit! So fuckin’ what? I am human!

What a horrible experience! I keep thinking to myself “I have NEVER met anybody like this…and I don’t mean it in a good way!” What a shitty thing it is.

I am mostly angry and disappointed at myself.

Nothing was learned from this experience…well…it was a very brief experience with no deep impact, but still shitty and unnecessary. Especially, because it was supposed to be a “going back to school to get my PhD, and go through a major life transition” relaxing and fun vacation. That is what bothers me the most about it.

What happened you miserable, selfish, narcissistic, piece of shit motherfucker? Why in this world would you fuck this up for me? I think it is unfair.

I tried my best to alleviate any stupid/childish/fearful idea you had in your head that I thought we could have something more just because we were traveling together.

I tried relieving the pussy-ish sense of pressure that this trip could be causing you in relation to a potential relationship. So, in my mind, there are NO EXCUSES for your continued less-than-ideal behavior.

I told you: “Hey, did you think I was looking for a long term relationship? I am moving to CO? So…no! Let’s just relax and have fun!”.

Also “I’ve always been great at being friends with men. So let’s just hang out. As friends. Really! I do it all the time.”

Not to mention, my attempts at showing I was actually ok.

So FUCK YOU. You BIG FUCKING SPOILED CHILD.

Ok!

Vent over!

Some good things about this experience:

1- I am starting to think and potentially plan my “around the world” trip, where I will attempt to cover 15 countries in most continents. I will plan on finishing my course work for my PhD, passing the examinations, become a PhD candidate, and then heading off for what I think will be a beautiful, life-changing experience. I want to volunteer for people in need in each of these locations (TBD), and live in their shelter and eat with them, and HELP them as much as I can, and allow them to HELP me.

I say this is a good thing coming out of this experience, because the troubled guy is the one who told me about this “around the world” program with airlines. So thank you for that.

2- I took at chance! I went to a place, not close to home, with a complete stranger, who I thought at the time was at least fun to hang out with. It completely sucked. Our experience together was horrible, but Mallorca itself is an amazing place.

3- I put in practice a lot of the things I’ve been working on. I’d say I have made some major progress in “self-contemplation and transformation”. I am happy about it. I am proud of myself. It’s still a work in progress, but I will give myself credit.

It doesn’t mean that I wasn’t “temporarily” hurt, or angry, or disappointed…but it’s the certainty that I feel for having done the right thing despite his best attempts to break me day in and day out. It’s my ability to discern what is his CRAP and what is my CRAP. It’s not taking his direct and indirect offenses personally. It’s understanding that everyone struggles. I certainly do as well. The difference is whether you’re choosing to deal with it or not, or if you just project your BULLSHIT onto people and hurt them…and hurt yourself.

4- It’s in the fact that I keep trying, despite the adversities I’ve encountered (read…shitty men. No….not shitty…just troubled and hurtful).

I’m sure there is more to come out, but this is it for now.

Sassi the Spider (aka <words by the fucked up boy she just met and is done with> The Hot Brazilian Girl) —> Hummm….yeah! Why don’t you fuck yourself!?

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My most recent “angel”

Alright! So this story has been brewing for a while and I’ve been making it quite suspenseful.

I was not sure, and still am not, how to write about my new friend’s ethereal impression on my life.

It’s permanent. He’s been immortalized through a self-propelled cascade of events triggered by simple conversations and interactions. It has gained momentum where latency once inhabited.

He’s been terrestrially canonized through my actions, through these words, through the exponential effect he’s had on the subsequent initial “Hi’s” and “How are yous?”, inception of different thought patterns, and everything that had their genesis in this ONE connection between my angel and I.

I have always been a keen observer of human interactions. How they are formed, how they dissolve, how they may potentially lead to things beyond our wildest imagination, be it good or bad. The image of a series of dominoes lined up close to one another, in a standing position comes to mind. The design of the complex domino patterns go in all possible dimensional angles and is worthy of a machiavellian architecture title. Daniel Libeskind probably learned from this one architect.

And yet, they all converge to that single point, that first domino, which, if pushed, unleashes an infinite combination of chain reactions.

That is the effect my angel has had in my life, in such a short window of time. I am sure that my fertile ground must have been sown by other similar events and I could name a few, but the timing of my most recent angel just seemed to align perfectly well with my ripeness to embrace it.

The feeling is that I was standing on the very edge of a bottomless cliff and with a very gentle touch by my angel I jumped. I TOOK THE LEAP. Where inertia once monopolized, latent energy was set in motion overcoming the attractive force between every molecule in my body that was ceasing all movement. And all of this achieved by that one benevolent touch.

I am finally in my element once again. This is the same person who climbed to the top of that very tall cliff, blazing fearless and honorably through the wilderness on the way to the top. This is the same person who, upon finding her way to the edge of the mountain, was paralyzed by demons and fairies. Some of which were absurd contemplations of foundationless impulses. And others that just had to be unravelled, dissected, and closely examined.

Not too long ago I learned to enjoy the journey. Such a simple concept, but so difficult to assimilate.

So I know that even in my cathartic inertia at the edge of that cliff, I was moving. I was mastering.

And now, with my clement friend, who remains aloof to it all, I find myself having to learn how to fly. And certain to land on uncharted territory. Only this time I have acquired wings.

Thank YOU my friend, and all the other earthbound angels who have had and will have their dichotomous impression on my life.