The air is getting less and less rarified (the omnipresent old post)

<I wrote this post for the first time on July 6, 2012. Then I reposted on December 4th, 2012…and now. For some reason I keep coming back to it.>

I’m trying to reach as deep into my diaphragm as I possibly can with each breath I take.

It’s been like this for the past few days. This is self-strangulation from within.

My failed attempts are at reaching that sensation of being calm…of being at peace within oneself.

My thoughts simply don’t want to be silenced. They’re all reminding me that I must now address them, or else…

In its current form, it’s at best, an amalgamation of years of irrational fears, doubts, successes, happiness, warm childhood memories, painful adult realizations, utter inner sadness and emptiness. I’ve been able to lazily peel some of them apart over the years. But they’re very impatient with this phased approach. They’ve been lit to an explosive implosion and I am left with a sense of urgency and self-reformation.

It’s usually easier to anesthetize ourselves by persistently dismissing our thoughts. Everybody is guilty of this crime, and honestly, sometimes it’s the only tool we can use to keep from falling into insanity.

But who wants to live such a dead life?

I have embarked on a journey that has taken me around the universe a few times. Close self-examination is as ghastly as it is awesome. It is very much like the simultaneous loss and gain of innocence and wisdom that results from childhood to adolescence to adulthood to elderhood to death.

I’ve been neglecting some of my most vulnerable thoughts for so long, that it almost feels as if they were revolting against me as I write this.

THE TIME HAS COME! I must pay attention. Process, recycle, trash, and learn. I will only then be able to move forward. It feels incredibly agonizing and enlightening, but I must continue pushing with each contraction as I bring these elder babies to life.

The feeling is overwhelmingly constructive as it feels like I might be finally steering in the right direction. The luffing that existed is now replaced by sails filled with air. Who knows where the winds will take me.

I just have to figure out a way to make this a less rarefied atmosphere.


Oblivious Love

(written on: July 17th, 2014)

<I Fink You’re Freaky playing in the background. Meanwhile, I try to catch up with work after 17 days spent on the breathtaking Balearic Island of Mallorca. Silent thoughts to myself.>

Ugh! I can’t focus today!

It must be the jet lag.

Let me check to see which band is playing in town this weekend.

Oh MYYYYYYYYYYYY! I can’t believe it! Die Antwoord is playing this Saturday.

I hope it’s not sold out yet.

Let me text “Sweet guy” and “Golden curls” to see if one of them wants to join me.

<text> Sassi: Hey! Die Antwoord is in town this Saturday!!! Let’s gooooooooooooooooo! I’m going to buy two tickets!

“Golden Curls”: “Yes, I know. I think tickets are not really cheap, but I’m in!”

“Sweet Guy”: Of course I know. I’ve seen them every time they’ve been in town. Unfortunately, I’ll be out of town this weekend for a wedding. Are you looking for tickets? My friend has extra tickets. I so wish I could join you! So jealous!

<Back to enthusiastically thinking to myself.>

Awesome!

I just can’t focus today. How can I accomplish work? Good thing I worked a bit while I was in Spain.

Cigarette time!

I’d better start taking Chantix soon. I must quit…again!

Oh! I’ll just wait for after this weekend. Enjoy myself, and then start the nauseating pills.

<Cookie Thumper blasting in the background.>

I should try to get some work done!

<I get up, go to my bedroom, and start dancing in front of the mirror.>

If “Golden Curls” only knew that I spent two weeks in Mallorca he will not be very happy about it. Especially after Nova Scotia. Yikes. But I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Besides, I’ve been as transparent as I can with him about how I feel for him. I love him, yes, but as a friend. And for that’s big.

Focus “Sassi”! Work!

I should just give in today. I just can’t focus. And I’m working this Saturday so it’s not that bad.

Why do I feel so spread thin today?

<Throughout this monologue flashes of “Lashes” comes to me and I quickly block them.>

Ugh! I have to stop thinking about this! I’m back home! It’s over!

Whatever!

It’s so good to be back home. Close to friends who know me, and like me, and treat me well.

<Sensations of “Lashes” take over my body.>

Stupid guy! Get out of my head! Ahahahahahahahha Damn it!

<I turned up the music, and danced more in my attempt to shun those unpleasant sensations.>

I’m excited! I’m going to dance like there’s no tomorrow at the show.

I wonder if he is going to go to the Massive Attack show in Barcelona. Oh STOP thinking about this!

<Saturday arrives. I worked in the morning. Then I met my sister and niece at the beach. And then, I headed to “Golden Curls” house to pick him up. He seemed defensively indifferent. But I wasn’t surprised. I had seen that before. Ever since he declared his love for me, or maybe infatuation(?), a few months ago, and I told him I loved him as a friend, I learned that his momentary indifference was his defense mechanism. Oh well…at least this time he wasn’t being mean like other times>

Initially, it was mostly me doing the talk. It was uncomfortable for a split second. But I knew it was going to get better. He told me about all these girls he was either seeing or interested in. I was happy for him. He seemed annoyed at me because of my enthusiasm for his “love” adventures.

We grabbed a beer and some food before going to the show. After the first beer, he started to loosen up and be himself. That is, pleasant, friendly, and relaxed. I thoroughly enjoyed that.

We arrived at the show venue and anxiously awaited for the awesomely creepy artists to go on stage. We really wanted to dance.

We probably had another two beers before the show started. By then, we were hugging, friendly flirting, mutually admiring each other, and just cracking jokes.

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We danced the whole night. Drank more and smoked many cigarettes.

The show ended. We were in an incredibly good mood. We were still pumped. We wanted to dance more so we headed to Zuzu!

We danced really close the whole night. Like…glued together. Face stuck to face as we tried to Salsa to the Beatles and the likes. Interesting to say the least.

Yeah…we were drunk! Really drunk! But still very coordinated and somewhat able to keep a conversation.

In the meantime, I’m still getting lightning visits from “Flashes” in my thoughts. Ugh!

I kept thinking “See? This is it! I’m used to nice people. People who treat me well. Like “Golden Curls”, and all the other friends I have managed to see since I returned from Mallorca. It’s so good to be home.”

“Golden Curls” and I go outside to smoke a cigarette and managed to get into a deep conversation about love, relationships, projections, and his “adoration” for me.

I opened up and said many things I don’t usually tell people about the inner workings of my emotions in romantic relationships.

I told him once again that I loved him. As a friend. But I understood that it was not what he wanted to hear.

I questioned his “adoration” for me. He eloquently described his “love” for me. He was so sweet and so on point. Clearly, he had been spending a lot of time thinking about it. Feeling about it.

He said something about “You’re the whole package! You’re intelligent. You dance. You’re friendly. You’re not fussy. You’re fun. Strong. Beautiful. Hot. And you dance! We have interesting conversations. You’re genuinely interested in what I do. And you’re not even fully aware of just how awesome you are. Or maybe you just don’t make a big deal out of it. And I think it makes you even more awesome. I know you have your issues like you just told me, but they’re so workable. Let me be the man to support you in that…You are the only woman I’m willing to ‘expose’ myself to this point. I just know. I feel very comfortable even though I know you don’t feel the same way. I’ll just keep trying until I’m able to crack in there. Hey, I might get lucky. You are just worth it and I’m not afraid.”

<He said many more truly beautiful things, but I probably don’t remember everything because we were both too drunk.>

As he was saying all those things, I felt truly flattered. I had images of “Lashes” come to me, but focused on “Golden Curls” words like they were a source of positive energy.

I was also thinking how life is full of “desencontros” (mis-encounters?). There I was, in front of a perfectly awesome guy who was sincerely opening his soul to me. But I couldn’t reciprocate the love in the way he desired.

It also dawned on me that he had no clue about the 17 very intense days I had just spent with “Lashes” in Mallorca. A person who I initially thought could be that “blurred face defined in the flesh”, but who continued to push me away. Deliberately. And I, too, pushed him away. <sigh>

Can you imagine the intensity of emotions I was feeling at that very moment of intoxication? I was overwhelmed.

It was absolutely flattering to have somebody like “Golden Curls” tell me the things he did. But Alas! I can’t do much with it…

Densencontros! That is all I can say.

I’ve used this word before, and there really is no good English word to describe it.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Three-day kayaking and camping trip! And other BIG things!

Where to start?!

This girl over here is swamped with shit to get done before her big move to Colorado!

I want to write but there’s just no time! 🙂

List of things I want to elaborate:

1- MOVE to Colorado and ALL THE THINGS that come with it (practical, concrete, abstract, and emotional)

2- MY EPIC “Move to Colorado – Go back to school – Birthday” party on August 2nd!

3- Hummm…The fact that I will soon be the owner of investment property! Huh…what? Yes, I decided to rent my condo, instead of the original plan to have my mom move in. With that decision, there is a shit load of crap that I need to get done: 1- refinance to investment property…apparently it’s a different type of mortgage (who knew?); 2- Find people to pay an exorbitantly amount of money for rent in my beautiful and well-located condo (PS: rent was set by company I hired, not me!!!) —> Update: I have found a very nice couple to rent my condo; 3- Pay off the down payment assistance that the City of Somerville loaned me when I first purchased the condo

4- Logistics for move to Colorado: 1- mover’s pod rental; 2- decide on route to Colorado which I’m doing by myself, 3- coordinating my sister and niece to meet me in CO to help me move my entire apartment worth of furniture to my new apartment, 4- set up utility service; 5- PACK PACK AND PACK SOME MORE…the list is too long

5- Going back to school: 1- Decide on academic plan for next 2-3 years of PhD program (DONE); 2- Online orientation (DONE); 3- Register for classes; 4- Find job (DONE DONE DONE!!! And it’s a pretty awesome job too)

All this while also managing to work…because…huh…it’s like…hummm…important!!!

Things unrelated to move to Colorado, but very much in my mind!

1- Try to talk to “Lashes” about things. First attempt failed. He did not respond. I wanted to do this face-to-face, because I owed it to myself. I really wanted to get it out of me and into the world, so I sent him a pretty nice, cute, and funny e-mail last week! July 16th, to be precise! Oh man! I have problems!

2- Plan around the world volunteering and leisure trip which is likely to happen 1 1/2 to 2 years from now. I have already purchased a paper map which I’ll use to lay out the route, and will keep as an awesome reminder of this awesome experience.

The early stages of preparations have started. I have contacted “Doctors Without Borders”, World Health Organization, and have started to make contacts with friends of friends who have volunteered around the world. I will certainly network at the University of Colorado to explore options there as well.

3- Hummmmm…I just returned from a pretty amazing three-day kayaking and camping trip in the San Juan Islands (WA). I saw orcas, seals, sea lions, bald head eagles, and so much nature! I also seriously questioned my fitness! Ah! I guess kayaking 15-17 miles per day, on open waters, against the currents, is much more difficult than I had assumed. I guess the tents and sleeping pads don’t make for an ideal recovering/reenergizing sleeping set up. BUT, all that beautiful nature, and being so close to some pretty amazing BIG orcas is the energizing factor here. Not to mention the company of some pretty awesome new and old friends.

I will stop here for now…but will eventually try to elaborate on each of these items! They’re all pretty big!

 

 


Hablando y aprendiendo Español para callar el silencio

<Driving for several hours through very twisty and narrow mountain roads, followed by hiking for several hours over sharp cliff rocks, sometimes followed by climbing, and then…more driving back home. Sometimes, on our ride back, instead of the usual deafening silence, we’d play the Spanish app. That is, he’d say words in Spanish or English, and I had to say the corresponding word in English or Spanish.>

Lashes: El Conquistador

Sassi: The Conqueror

Lashes: Spell it

Sassi: C – O – N – Q – U – E – R – O – R

Lashes: <somewhat impressed>  Humm…good, that’s right

Calamares a la plancha

Sassi: Grilled calamari

Lashes: Tinto de verano

Sassi: Summer wine? ahahahhaha

Lashes: <impenetrable by my giggling, and very serious> A drink made with red wine and coke

Sassi: What? It’s a Sin to mix red wine with coke. I have never heard of that.

Lashes: El vino tinto

Sassi: Red wine

Lashes: female or male

Sassi: male

Lashes: La conquistadora

Sassi: The conqueress? Is that the right word?

Lashes: Yes, that’s right. “Sassi” la conquistadora. The heartbreaker.

Sassi: What?

<Silence>

Lahes: Computer

Sassi: El ordenador – Male

Lashes: Escritorio

Sassi: <quickly correcting “Lashes” lack of gender assignment to the word> El! Escritorio. Office!

Lashes: Nope! Desk

El Conquistador

Sassi: The conqueror – male

Lashes: Red wine mixed with coke

Sassi: El tinto de verano

Lashes: Uh

Sassi: Uh what?

Lashes: That’s the word

Sassi: Uh…..Uh? What the heck? ahahahhahaha Are you joking?

Lahes: Computer

Sassi: Ordernador

Lashes: El or La

Sassi: El ordenador

Lashes: El matrimonio

Sassi: marriage

Lashes: Air

Sassi: Ar!

Lahses: Aire

Sassi: Oh, so close to Portuguese!

And this went on for 1, 2 hours, as I drove back to our apartment.

This was probably the only few times I felt a connection with this person?

Sometimes. I would come up with words in Spanish that were a poor attempt at converting its close relative, and my Native language, Portuguese, into the word I had just heard in English. This was coupled with exaggerating the “R”, “L”, pronouncing the “C” as if I had a lisp…etc. Result? A complete mess! But so funny!

These attempts were quickly followed by a giggle, laughter,  and a huge smile. Sometimes, by both of us.

At least we could connect on that!

These illustrated our scarce, abbreviated, laid-back instances over a period of 17 days.

At times, it felt more like we were trying to crush some of that cemented silence that seemed to monopolize.

It was unbearable at times.

Only 4 or 5 days in I was thinking “All is fair in love and war…Bring it on!”

 

 

 


The textured sky

I went outside, sat down with my cup of coffee, and felt the cool breeze.

I lit my cigarette and puffed away.

Ruminating on the events of days past.

It had become my breakfast ritual since I found myself on that roof deck.

Some days my body was rehabilitating from alcohol-filled conversations the night before.

Other days, I was sharp.

On this day, I recall feeling cold and warm.

The Sun would intermittently show itself through the clouds, and then disappear.

Warm…

Cold…

It occurred to me to look up. I had my sunglasses on. To cover my recovering eyes.

The Sun was shining especially bright.

I remember thinking to myself “Oh, that’s why I’m feeling cold and warm.”

There were many little clouds in the sky. They looked like fluffy cotton candy. Or maybe like the many baby sheep I had seen on that island.

The Sun was extending its warm golden rays through the spaces between these countless soft baby animals.

I could also see the beautiful Mediterranean blue sky behind the clouds.

Then I thought “I love this. I wonder how it would feel to touch it. The texture. It looked perfectly textured.”

I stood up and took a few deep breaths. Closed my eyes with face up towards all of that beauty.

I grabbed another cup of coffee.

I lit myself another cigarette.

Then, enters the reason for all that daily perplexed contemplation.

He sat down. I offered him coffee. He rolled his cigarette. All in silence.

Sometimes, he was there before me. Sometimes, I was there before him.

But I always offered him coffee and a good morning.

He would sit in silence for a while. Maybe reading a book. Or maybe he was just staring at the screen some of the time.

Often, he was just there…with a confused, reticent, inquisitive gaze.

As if he was having an entire conversation with himself.

Then he said “I really like the sky today. It’s textured. The clouds have a defined shape. I really like that.”

I smiled.

I knew exactly what he meant.

 


Robotica

Am I a robot?

I found myself wondering today.

I ran a quick inventory of my past experiences to rebut such a silly thought.

I reached deep into areas that looked greyish white with all the dust.

The hallways extended into the horizon, I could barely see the end.

It felt endless.

I strolled around the seemingly infinite corridors for a while.

Some were well lit. Others in complete darkness.

It was like walking around a very old library…or a museum.

There were rays of sunshine coming through the small cracks in the windows like laser beams.

I could see stuff flowing in the air for brief moments in those bright rays.

Not just dust. There were other things. Doing their dance.

I could tell the Sun was setting.

I felt my way around in the dusking alleys…pupils dilated…until I remembered…

I came prepared this time! I brought a torch.

I dusted, and mopped, and placed some vibrantly colorful flowers in some areas.

I retrieved some old laughs, painful tears, hysterical giggling, stories of love, and anger, and deception, and deep devotion.

So much! I felt inundated.

Everywhere I turned there I was! Young, old, ugly, beautiful, kind, mean, angry, ecstatic…all at the same time.

“Well”, I thought to myself, “if I have emotions then it follows I am definitely not some technological marvel of a robot.”

A robot that looks so human.

A robot that feels human to the touch.

A robot whose metal body is immune to the rusting and rotting resulting from all the lacrimal matter.

After hours of close examination, I realized I had forgotten to fire the torch.

Curiously, I could see everything clearly.

On a second scan, of more recent files, I was confused.

I found it rather numb.

Chapters of what could be turned into the most dramatic stories.

A lot of frustrated and angry projections of which I was the bull’s eye.

The archives showed a cool poise.

A deliberate reaction.

Almost coldly calculated.

Dense dialogues filled with words to harmoniously accompany such…such…a robotic expression.

As I began to once again question my automaton existence.

I was quick to file away said archives.

Accompanied by the absence of desire to access them.

“They are what they are…” I thought to myself.

I am worried.

Or could this be the result of all the years of internal laboring away?

Similar to the dusting, revisiting, placement of flowers, as I happily and inquisitively strolled along those infinite hallways.

Nah! I am human!

I must be. My parents, who are human, conceived me out of love.

I pinched myself just to make sure.

 

 

 


Breaking through

Yes! I A D M I T!

It hurts a little bit.

I am hurting…

Maybe my ego is hurting more than anything else. Or the shot down idea…

If I cannot confess here, then where do I turn?

It was the potential, which was completely obliterated, that bums me out a bit.

Let me try to explain.

First you have imagine the body of “Lashes” coupled with several of his personality traits with a blank face. I really mean, no face at all!

Then imagine “Tati”, who, for the past three years, has been strolling happily through life on her own.

Sometime, in the first quarter of this year, something changed. As I have grown accustomed to, I went through what I call my “snail hiding in its house” phase. Living, interacting, but completely unplugged, if you can imagine that.

Many things were being processed, tossed, recycled, created…you get the picture right? I knew that I was, yet again, about to go through a major life transition in the next few months. And then it hit me! I am ready!

I WANT A PARTNER IN CRIME for this next phase!

And with that, the torrential downpour of emotions…questions…excitement…doubts…fears… desires…hope.

Well…I realized I had just finally cracked through that thick calcareous shell.

It was so cozy in there. It felt safe. I had created the perfect microclimate for a happy, sheltered life.

Wait, did I just say sheltered?

That is NOT how “Tati” lives her life! It is a good thing I exploded that calcified house, which has now shyly added volume to the sands of the most beautiful beaches.

Story continues…

Now you know I am open, and have been for a few months.

Like any bird poking through its shell for the first, or tenth, time, I could barely spread my wings with all that thick plasma glueing my tiny feathers together. My eyes were gooey too. And all that bright light! How long was I in there for?

The sights, smells, surfaces, and surroundings seemed quite familiar. Yes! I have been here before.

I digress…

As soon as I found myself ready, I wasn’t sure exactly in which direction to set my exploration. So, once that gel dried off of my skin, I flew away.

I remember daydreaming, which I still do to this day, of this awesome guy, who’s healthy, wholesome, intelligent, daring, tall, adventurous, irreverent, tells me to shut up once in a while (well…because I need that sometimes…I’m too much of a smart ass), kind, caring, respectful, sensitive, rugged, hot, flawed but willing and open to work on his kinks (after all, we all have our kinks)…a great PARTNER IN CRIME to join me in my, OUR ROYALLY EXCITING AND ADVENTUROUS life expedition! <fireworks sound effect in the background>

The only thing was, and still is, this awesome guy does not have a face. He always comes to me with all the aforementioned attributes, but with a blurred trace on his face.

So whenever I meet a guy with potential, that missing face appears in high definition. What also shows up is hope, happiness, anxiety, skepticism, some cynicism, curiosity, a feeling of warmth, and the strong urge to allow him in. Allow him to join me in that royally exciting journey.

Of all the reactive emotions to this face that suddenly defines itself in the flesh, the cynicism is what deeply bothers me. It is a work in progress. I am doing better, but a work in progress for sure. There is something about self-preservation in that.

This face has shown itself only a few times, but at least I’ve experienced glimpses of such presence.

Some of these faces moved right back into blurred world, for reasons I could exhaustively write about, but will not. Let’s just say that I have made some progress on my cynicism dissolution, but I’m not there just yet. I assume some of it was me just shooting them down for no obvious reasons, and others just really turned out to be truly sucky at a closer look.

Fast forward to April 2014.

Unexpectedly, “Lashes” face comes to once again bring real features to that blurred face.

I was excited.

….hope, happiness, anxiety, skepticism, some but less cynicism, curiosity, a feeling of warmth, and the strong urge to allow him in.

YEAH, I figure you know that by now, but it’s worth repeating.

Things seemed to be in good synchronization with him. Pretty harmonious.

So it seemed…

In my skeptical head, unfortunately, I was still keeping that face at a safe distance. Maybe I wasn’t ready to see all its details and find that…that…that guy had finally materialized. It always happens.

Also, in my practical head, I’m thinking…“well, I’m moving away in a few months…what good would it do me to find out if this face resonates with the personality?”

But, I still wanted to give it a three fourths try. Hey…I could have said a half try.

I think I did, but I have no idea what happened.

I think my face started to get blurred for “lashes”. And soon after, his face started to dissipate into thin air.

Which brings me back to the beginning.

I am perplexed. I am hurting…but I think it’s mostly my stupid ego that hurts. And the differentiation is critical.

It’s the potential that builds a good momentum towards something that feels great, but in this case, gets turned right back into inertia.

Frustrating!

This time, I must admit, it was too fast. On both ends, we hit a force that brought our accelerated

pace to a complete halt! So odd! Unpleasant!

So there!

I said it!

This sucks, and I’m not happy about it.

But, as in recent past, I will continue on my exploration, and someday this face will show, will stay, and join me.