I probably should forget, but may this serve as a list of why NOT.
These are comments and feedback about me from a person that I had the strangest experience of my life with. Something I have never experienced, that is, in a very negative way. Still perplexed…still baffled.
I think that writing it out will help me process it, because I cannot possibly share all of this with my friends.
1- As I’m trying to cozy up to a guy, he turns to me and says “weren’t you snoring a second ago? I don’t want to have sex everyday. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I want to have sex all day. Sometimes I don’t want to have sex at all.” This came from a guy who presented himself completely different at first. As in…he seemed quite ecstatic to have met me…cooked for me…said nice things. Then we travel to Mallorca…and BAM! It was a shit show in his head, ghosts from the past…which I had not been privied to unfortunately.
2- You make me feel like I have to qualify and contextualize everything that I say to you. You respond negatively to everything that I say.
3- I just don’t care enough to dissuade you. This came after I tried to ask why things had broken down so fast (3 days into our trip)
4- I’ve had many girls since my break up. They all get clingy, then I have to be the asshole telling them I don’t want anything. To which I responded “Wait, did you think I wanted to have a serious relationship with you? I am moving to Colorado. I just wanted to come here and have fun. You can take that pressure off of your shoulders. I am not clingy at all, to the very contrary. I should be a bit more clingy I guess…” To which he said with wide open eyes “You’re right. You are actually not clingy at all.”
5- You are pretty fantastic.
6- I think I should be having more sex with you.
7- I want to apologize for putting you through this. I didn’t know I was going to feel the way I am feeling right now.
8- I think I am depressed.
9- I think my girlfriend was cheating on me with a firefighter.
10- You are pretty fantastic. Yup…again.
11- You are hot. You’re the hot Brazilian girl.
12- I feel pressured to lead routes for you. I am not a good leader. And that makes me feel pressured to show you a good time climbing.
13- I’m really glad we’re having this conversation.
14- I am depressed.
15- I think I found somebody who smokes and drinks more than me. And I set a pretty high bar.
16- My girlfriend this, my girlfriend that…Barcelona this, Barcelona that…throughout the 2 weeks we spent under the same roof.
17 – I said “I thought you told me that you had just fallen out of love with you ex” (which I didn’t believe for a second, but let it go). He said “Yes…that’s all a lie. I had plans, my life was different…”
<I managed to hang out and just have fun with this person. To the best of my human ability anyways, which is probably why he thought I was “fantastic”>
18- Fuck you and when you say that you’ve had a difficult life when you moved to the US. You have your family. Do you know when was the last time I spoke with my dad for 2 hours? I don’t even remember. But who am I? I have first world problems. Everything that I’ve accomplished, I accomplished on my own.
19- My mom…well I’m pretty drunk right now…but my mom is very foggy.
20- You don’t remember details. I’ve shared quite a bit with you. You don’t seem to remember anything. “Wait…I do remember everything you’ve shared with me. Can you give me an example? I’m usually very good at that. Besides, you haven’t shared a whole lot yet Does it bother you?.” You don’t remember them. I will not repeat. I know what I have shared. Yes, it bothers me.
21- You saying that, is the same as saying that a black guy cannot do something, but I guess it’s ok, because you’re not talking about a vulnerable group. (this was said in response to my comment on an awesome Spanish guitar player, who I thought was awesome, and thought it was interesting because he was as “white as it gets” which is a comment that I heard from 2 American Caucasian friends. I was just borrowing their words. Well…at this point I thought it was obvious that this person “hated” me for no reason, so I thought it would be a waste of time to try to explain the obvious. So I didn’t. I said “At this point, I don’t care. Just like you said…I don’t care enough to explain to you what I meant with that comment. Think whatever you want to think about me. That I’m racist, prejudiced, etc…I really don’t care to prove you otherwise.”
22- I have every intention of splitting the cost of this apartment rental, and the car rental with you. To which I said “Well…I was quite determined to get back to Boston, and not look for you anymore. I mean…we’ve been having a pretty shitty time with each other here. So I was not going to follow up with you for the money you owe me (about $1,000, for the record). I am not going to be any richer or poorer because of it.”
23- I see you as pretty fearless.
24- I would never buy a condo. (for the record…I have a condo). There’s nothing in Boston that I want. It’d be a waste.
25- I noticed you don’t like “fingering or oral sex”. To which I thought (silently) ahahahhahahahahaha WTF? hummm…I don’t like it…I LOVE it. This was him probably explaining to himself why he sucked in bed so much! I was physically attracted to him…but the sex itself. Well…not great by any accounts. The first time we ever had sex…the guy was limp, even after making out, touching, etc. So we move on to oral sex…humm…still not hard enough for sex. But we tried anyways…it was very strange and I felt a bit bad for him. It took him forever to come, and that is…having sex with a dick that was not all there if you know what I mean. This happened the first few times we had sex. I thought it could be because it was the first few times…but also had a feeling it was something else deeper. And yes! It was! He is depressed.
26- I said “You know what I really want? I’m even afraid to say it to you at this point. But…I want to have sex on the roof deck. I don’t care if people are watching. I just want to have sex. How often do you get to have sex on a roof top in Mallorca.” To which he said “I appreciate your honesty. What I’m about to say is probably wrong, but I’ll say it. For a guy to keep trying to have sex, and to be rejected, is more socially accepted, and expected. I don’t understand why you would keep trying to have sex with me if I have made it clear I am not that interested. Then I said “Listen…I’m here, you’re here. We’ve had sex already. I want to have sex. I will not go to the street and find some random guy to have sex with. So I just want to have the physical act of sex with you. You’re just one guy…so it doesn’t bother me. Girls like having sex as much as guys do.”
So I walk over, and give him a kiss. He pushes me back and says “I’m quite content just seating here…and doing just that.”
27- Me “You know…I’ve always prided myself in the fact that I can make and keep great friendships with men. Totally devoid of sexual tension. So my experience with you is making me wish we had started out as friends and just kept it that way. I think we’d be better off. Much better.” He said “It’s like India. I went to India, and it was just there. I would never go back to India. But I would not know that unless I had been there.”
28- I said “Oh I’m looking forward to going back to my healthy eating, activities, not smoking, etc. I feel like a need a cleanse after all the abuse I’ve put my body through. I love making soups. But my soups are very elaborate with all the veggies and greens you can imagine.” He said “A simple butternut squash soup is great. I’m not a fan of soups. Simple foods are great too. They don’t have to be complex to be good.” I said “I agree with you. I just like getting creative with how I cook so I don’t get bored. With that said…when I say elaborate, I just mean I try different veggies, etc…it takes me about 15 minutes to cook these ‘elaborate’ things.”
29- You are more like me than you think. You are the female version of me. I can’t imagine anybody loves another person to the point of loving the idea of being just like that person. I said “I agree with you. We’re lot alike. I can be closed off sometimes too. My friends always complain that they share a lot with me, but that I don’t as much. Well…I guess I like to process things on my own. Plus, whenever I share a little bit…I retract right away…I guess I don’t like the idea of coming across…” he finished my sentence “…vulnerable…yup! I can totally relate to that.”
30- I said “So the other day you said your mom is foggy. I know you were drunk, but what did you mean by that?” he said “Well, she forgets details.” I said “Just like I forget details…and that deeply annoys you. Are you saying I’m like your mom?” he said “It’s funny you say that…See? that’s exactly why I don’t talk to you. You make your own conclusions.” I said “You’re right. You don’t give me a lot of material to work with, so I have to extrapolate based on the little you tell me, and your body language. I ask you questions…but you don’t answer them.”
31- He said “So tell me more about what you want to do with your PhD. What do you do now?” I said “As you know…blah blah blah, background in public health, but I believe in a comprehensive approach to increasing the quality of life of people. Social, health, financial, etc…so I’ve been involved in a lot of different things…for instance…immigration policy…blah blah blah, I have some brilliant friends who are undocumented, and it’s hard. But I also have a fair approach…I don’t defend immigrants at all costs…I believe in helping those who need the help. I don’t appreciate the ones who abuse the system…blah blah blah” (at that point, I looked at him, and it seemed he was rolling his eyes and losing interest in the conversation) I continued “I’m sorry…it’s such a different reality for you. Maybe you can’t relate because you don’t have any undocumented friends…I’ve helped youth organize around the Dream Act, etc….but yeah…that’s one of the things that I do…” He said “Yeah…what do I know? I’m just a white guy with first world problems.”
32- He said rather aggressively “It’s a process! Got it!” This was in relation to when we drove the entire day and approached the garage. He would leave the car to open the garage door from the inside. He would somewhat wait until I parked. He would never wait for me to get the stuff from the car. He would just go upstairs to the apartment. And this “not waiting around” was ALL the time. I was left to try to catch up with him. ALWAYS.
33- He said “You pressure me to have sex with you.” I said “Hummm…the only time I tried to have sex with you was that day, and I think I was very decent with you. I didn’t overreact or make you feel bad because you didn’t want to have sex.” He said “Yeah…but you just got up and went outside.” I said “No…no…I waited a little bit. I left the bedroom passively…no drama. I just needed to listen to music and drink some wine. For all I know, I could’ve masturbated, because that’s how much I wanted to have sex. But there was no pressure…no drama. You’re the one who came outside to talk about it. The only other time I tried to have sex with you is now. And you don’t want it…so that’s all…again…no pressure.”
34- He said “Yes, I came here. And then you showed up. I didn’t know I was going to feel like this. I needed more time before you came.” I said “If you had been more honest with yourself, you would’ve told me that to begin with. I have told you that I’d rather somebody be brutally honest with me, even if it hurts a bit, than to do this…because this…is not good.” He said “What if I had told you I’m depressed? Would you have come?” I said “Maybe it…and if I did, I’d be better prepared for this. All of this caught me off guard. I had no clue. See…I can actually be a good friend, so I could support you maybe…Actually, you should have been honest from the start. This sucks! This fucking sucks. It is not fair. We all have our problems. I’ve been pretty patient and decent with you, but you have been really mean. I have free nights with Marriott. So if you want your time, I’ll just get the fucking hotel room and go there. I don’t need this shit! This fucking sucks!” He said “No…you’re overreacting…you don’t need to get a hotel room. Contrary to what you believe…I’ve had fun hanging out.” I said “I have not had fun hanging out with you. I’ve had fun in Mallorca, because I decided I was going to have fun no matter what. I understand and respect that you are going through your problems…but this whole thing has been unnecessary.”
35- My friends are all jealous that i’m in Mallorca with the “hot Brazilian girl”
36- You’re just the girl that showed up with the rope and quick draws.
37- My friends only noticed you because you’re tall and hot. I said “Thank you for the tall and hot. But I’m pretty sure that people notice me for many other more important things. I think I have a bit more to offer than just being ‘tall and hot'”
38- with disdain…”yeah, yeah, yeah…you’re the hot Brazilian girl” He made this comment several times…not as a compliment, but in a very aggressive way.
There is more to this. I will probably add as I remember them. These are not in order by any means.
There’s so much out of it. The context, the body language, the demeanor, tone of voice…It’s like this guy had this absolute aversion to me. Almost a hatred. And trust me…I did nothing. Simply nothing. I’m sure there were things going on in his head that I had no control over or contribution towards.
Again…I have NEVER experienced this with another human being. Wow…