Yes! I A D M I T!
It hurts a little bit.
I am hurting…
Maybe my ego is hurting more than anything else. Or the shot down idea…
If I cannot confess here, then where do I turn?
It was the potential, which was completely obliterated, that bums me out a bit.
Let me try to explain.
First you have imagine the body of “Lashes” coupled with several of his personality traits with a blank face. I really mean, no face at all!
Then imagine “Tati”, who, for the past three years, has been strolling happily through life on her own.
Sometime, in the first quarter of this year, something changed. As I have grown accustomed to, I went through what I call my “snail hiding in its house” phase. Living, interacting, but completely unplugged, if you can imagine that.
Many things were being processed, tossed, recycled, created…you get the picture right? I knew that I was, yet again, about to go through a major life transition in the next few months. And then it hit me! I am ready!
I WANT A PARTNER IN CRIME for this next phase!
And with that, the torrential downpour of emotions…questions…excitement…doubts…fears… desires…hope.
Well…I realized I had just finally cracked through that thick calcareous shell.
It was so cozy in there. It felt safe. I had created the perfect microclimate for a happy, sheltered life.
Wait, did I just say sheltered?
That is NOT how “Tati” lives her life! It is a good thing I exploded that calcified house, which has now shyly added volume to the sands of the most beautiful beaches.
Now you know I am open, and have been for a few months.
Like any bird poking through its shell for the first, or tenth, time, I could barely spread my wings with all that thick plasma glueing my tiny feathers together. My eyes were gooey too. And all that bright light! How long was I in there for?
The sights, smells, surfaces, and surroundings seemed quite familiar. Yes! I have been here before.
As soon as I found myself ready, I wasn’t sure exactly in which direction to set my exploration. So, once that gel dried off of my skin, I flew away.
I remember daydreaming, which I still do to this day, of this awesome guy, who’s healthy, wholesome, intelligent, daring, tall, adventurous, irreverent, tells me to shut up once in a while (well…because I need that sometimes…I’m too much of a smart ass), kind, caring, respectful, sensitive, rugged, hot, flawed but willing and open to work on his kinks (after all, we all have our kinks)…a great PARTNER IN CRIME to join me in my, OUR ROYALLY EXCITING AND ADVENTUROUS life expedition! <fireworks sound effect in the background>
The only thing was, and still is, this awesome guy does not have a face. He always comes to me with all the aforementioned attributes, but with a blurred trace on his face.
So whenever I meet a guy with potential, that missing face appears in high definition. What also shows up is hope, happiness, anxiety, skepticism, some cynicism, curiosity, a feeling of warmth, and the strong urge to allow him in. Allow him to join me in that royally exciting journey.
Of all the reactive emotions to this face that suddenly defines itself in the flesh, the cynicism is what deeply bothers me. It is a work in progress. I am doing better, but a work in progress for sure. There is something about self-preservation in that.
This face has shown itself only a few times, but at least I’ve experienced glimpses of such presence.
Some of these faces moved right back into blurred world, for reasons I could exhaustively write about, but will not. Let’s just say that I have made some progress on my cynicism dissolution, but I’m not there just yet. I assume some of it was me just shooting them down for no obvious reasons, and others just really turned out to be truly sucky at a closer look.
Fast forward to April 2014.
Unexpectedly, “Lashes” face comes to once again bring real features to that blurred face.
I was excited.
….hope, happiness, anxiety, skepticism, some but less cynicism, curiosity, a feeling of warmth, and the strong urge to allow him in.
YEAH, I figure you know that by now, but it’s worth repeating.
Things seemed to be in good synchronization with him. Pretty harmonious.
So it seemed…
In my skeptical head, unfortunately, I was still keeping that face at a safe distance. Maybe I wasn’t ready to see all its details and find that…that…that guy had finally materialized. It always happens.
Also, in my practical head, I’m thinking…“well, I’m moving away in a few months…what good would it do me to find out if this face resonates with the personality?”
But, I still wanted to give it a three fourths try. Hey…I could have said a half try.
I think I did, but I have no idea what happened.
I think my face started to get blurred for “lashes”. And soon after, his face started to dissipate into thin air.
Which brings me back to the beginning.
I am perplexed. I am hurting…but I think it’s mostly my stupid ego that hurts. And the differentiation is critical.
It’s the potential that builds a good momentum towards something that feels great, but in this case, gets turned right back into inertia.
This time, I must admit, it was too fast. On both ends, we hit a force that brought our accelerated
pace to a complete halt! So odd! Unpleasant!
I said it!
This sucks, and I’m not happy about it.
But, as in recent past, I will continue on my exploration, and someday this face will show, will stay, and join me.